This blog is long overdue. Three weeks I believe, though probably more. Over the last month I have done a lot of praying, thinking, reflecting, and reading, and I realize now the short comings of my own life, and the everlasting goodness of a God who loves me for exactly the man I am.
As you recall, my last blog was a confession over a struggle with mostly fear and doubt. My emotions were overrun and my faith seemed to be bone dry. I was broken and falling apart. I am grateful to the many of you who offered your loving and kind words of solidarity, blessing, and concern. Thank you all for you all so much for your prayers and thank for you continued support of me in my ups and downs. You are truly beautiful people and are truly an exquisite representation of the Body of Christ.
During my time of process, I kept wandering back to the reality of feeling helpless, worthless, over-run and unworthy. It wasn’t until the LORD spoke so clear to me by His Spirit through another Christ follower that I began to realize the reality of what I was dealing with. I wasn’t dealing so much with failure, but with doubt. Not doubt of God, but doubt in myself. And it was that doubt drew me to God and it was through that doubt that God reminded me of who I am and what I am worth.
A couple of weeks ago I listen to a pastor speak on the book of Job. We’ve all heard the story where Job loses everything and is left with painful boils all over his body and he is sitting in a pile of ash, scraping his sores with shards of clay, trying to relieve his pain. Job is dealing with the deepest possible pain. Job’s wife infamously contends “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).
Then Job’s three friends show up and they each go around and say their piece about why Job is suffering. They give their explanations. They want answers. Explanations. The want reasons for why this is so hard.
That is what I dealt with. I wanted to know why I felt the way that I did. I wanted to know why it wasn’t working out the way I had thought it would. I was in deep, dark pain. I wanted to know why life was so hard and why I kept failing and feeling like I jacked things up.
Now, after Job and his friends all have their say, then YHWH finally speaks. God has questions for Job and they went something like this:
Then YHWH spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
Prepare to defend yourself;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
(Job 38:1-7)
God goes on with question after question after question after question after question after question after question. (you can read it in Job 38-40)
And then finally, God says to Job
"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!" (Job 40:1)
And then Job replies:
I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more. (Job 40:4-5)
I wanted answers. Why I was in such pain? Why was I hurting?
Now, I believe that sometimes the only rational, normal, healthy thing to do is shake our fist at the heavens and demand and explanation…
…but true wisdom, like what Job had, is the kind of wisdom that endures and sustains a person through the deepest pain, it’s the kind of wisdom knows when to speak and when to be SILENT because my story is NOT OVER and the last word HAS NOT BEEN SPOKEN. The BOOK IS NOT FINISHED and God is NOT DONE WITH ME YET because THERE IS MUCH MORE GOING ON with me than I could EVER REALIZE or comprehend, and who can contend with the Almighty, right?
I believe that I initially failed to see that there is so much more going on than I could ever comprehend. I spoke once, but I will say no more….
grace and peace to you,
jeremy
