blogger has the gotten the ax since tumblr seems to be where it's at.
jnakasone.tumblr.com
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
a heartfelt response to Jennifer Knapp
It has been making headlines of media all over the country and has been no lighthearted subject. As of April 13, 2010 Grammy nominated Christian singer-songwriter Jennifer Knapp, returning from a seven-year long hiatus, publicly came out as a Lesbian and admitted to being involved in a same-sex relationship for the past 8 years in number of publications.
A shock to many in the Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) industry and conservative Evangelical community, Knapp has received both grace and rebuke from her fellow (and “former”) fans, followers, and clergy. While this blog could easily discuss the issues of homosexuality at length and whether it is right or wrong and what the scripture says about the issue, I want to focus mainly on how evangelicals relate with those who would identify themselves as homosexual or with homosexual feelings and how the church engages homosexuals. With that, I think there should be a few stereotypical facts about homosexuals/homosexuality that should be cleared up so as not to lead to unnecessary debate.
1) Individuals who identify themselves as homosexual or as having homosexual feelings are human beings made in the image of God, whom Christ died for.
2) Homosexual feelings in and of themselves cannot and are not sinful. No human being can control the feelings and urges he/she has. Feelings are not voluntary.
3) Homosexual feelings and homosexual orientation are not objective choices. No individual objectively chooses to be straight or gay. There are always external circumstances that influence one’s homosexual feelings or behavior.
4) Scripture does not ever speak of homosexuality in terms of an identity or lifestyle. Homosexuality is only condemned in scripture in the context of sexually immoral practices.
5) Homosexual behavior is no more sinful than heterosexual adultery and fornication. Homosexuality should not be elevated to a higher position than other sexual sins.
6) Homosexual feelings are not external entities and cannot be “turned off” automatically. They are true human emotions just like any other human emotions, good or bad.
Knapp came out most notably in an extensive interview with Christianity Today, a well-noted conservative Evangelical publication. The interview, however, was not slanted in a victimizing fashion but was more concerned with letting Knapp give her honest answers and share her true thoughts and feelings.
Regardless of your take on Jennifer Knapp’s sexuality, she definitely raises some good questions regarding how the church engages homosexuals and alludes to the attitudes the church presents regarding homosexuality.
Jennifer Knapp contends:
…if you remove the social problem that homosexuality brings to the church—and the debate as to whether or not it should be called a "struggle," because there are proponents on both sides—you remove the notion that I am living my life with a great deal of joy. It never occurred to me that I was in something that should be labeled as a "struggle." The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith.
Knapp is quick to say that she has never felt she was involved in an internal struggle regarding her sexuality, but insists that some have automatically made it appear that way. The question ultimately is raised, are we as Christians create an inner struggle for homosexuals that may not even exist? She points out that she has felt that she is required to “choose” between her Christianity and her feelings, and Knapp stresses that her real struggle was with trying to find genuine human acceptance in the church as someone who desires love and grace. Too often I think Christians write of homosexuals first as homosexuals, and forget that they are first people just like everyone else. Knapp goes deeper, later in the interview, saying:
… everyone around me made it absolutely clear that this is not an option for me, to invest in this other person—and for me to choose to do so would be a denial of my faith…
...there are people I care about within the church community who would seek to throw me out simply because of who I've chosen to spend my life with.
Jennifer Knapp senses that the Church is giving her the age old “clean up or get out” message that at one time or another has permeated American evangelicalism. It’s as if the church will anything else to exist and let someone “wrestle with it” within the body of Christ, but with homosexuality, you must “check yourself” at the door. The reality is that homosexuality is not an objective thing that can be removed from someone but an issue that involves one’s emotional feelings and identity. Yet for some reason Christians have forgotten that aspect of it.
Notice that Knapp does not refer to her relationship in primarily sexual or romantic terms, but simply uses relational language. “Invest in” “spend my life.” These are words that are not generally associated with sexual immorality. In speaking of sexual purity and sexual immorality scripture is clear, but when speaking of relationality and choosing to invest in another individual and love them unconditionally, scripture is also clear. Love your neighbor. There is nothing sexual about investing in another person so as to build them up and love them. Or to put it another way, if I as a heterosexual male have a close relationship with my good friends who are men and invest in them, there is nothing wrong with that. But if someone struggles with or identifies himself or herself as a homosexual, suddenly that investment in another person becomes a sin. How are we to know what aspects of a relationship are sexual in nature? Where and how do we draw the line that says this emotional relationship is now sinful? It is merely impossible to make such a distinction.
On the other hand it is clear that Jennifer Knapp is involved in a romantic relationship with another woman, but that does not negate the importance of her acceptance as a child of God and her desire to sacrificially invest in someone she loves dearly. This raises the question, is her sexuality all that matters or is there other aspects to her?
Knapp states, with utmost sincerity, …if God expects me, in order to be a Christian, to be able to theologically justify every move that I make, I'm sorry. I'm going to be a miserable failure.
It appears that Jennifer Knapp is aware that she is incapable of achieve success with Christianity alone apart from God and that she is asking for love, understanding, and grace. If this is her true desire, why are we neglecting her of it? It is my understanding that the gospel is about redemption and reconciliation. God redeemed Jennifer Knapp on the cross and she has clearly accepted His free gift of grace. Yet, God desires to continue to redeem and restore Jennifer Knapp and it is our job as the church, the visible hands and feet of Christ, to join God in that redemption story. Why is it, then, that we are so reluctant to join Him concerning Jennifer Knapp?
If anything we must remember that Jennifer Knapp is a child of God who has been redeemed by Grace, loves God and is loved by God. We cannot let her sexuality be the only thing that defines her. The church must be her home.
The excerpts from the article referenced first appeared in the April 2010 issue of Christianity Today. Used by permission of Christianity Today International, Carol Stream, IL 60188. Click here to read the entire interview.
A shock to many in the Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) industry and conservative Evangelical community, Knapp has received both grace and rebuke from her fellow (and “former”) fans, followers, and clergy. While this blog could easily discuss the issues of homosexuality at length and whether it is right or wrong and what the scripture says about the issue, I want to focus mainly on how evangelicals relate with those who would identify themselves as homosexual or with homosexual feelings and how the church engages homosexuals. With that, I think there should be a few stereotypical facts about homosexuals/homosexuality that should be cleared up so as not to lead to unnecessary debate.
1) Individuals who identify themselves as homosexual or as having homosexual feelings are human beings made in the image of God, whom Christ died for.
2) Homosexual feelings in and of themselves cannot and are not sinful. No human being can control the feelings and urges he/she has. Feelings are not voluntary.
3) Homosexual feelings and homosexual orientation are not objective choices. No individual objectively chooses to be straight or gay. There are always external circumstances that influence one’s homosexual feelings or behavior.
4) Scripture does not ever speak of homosexuality in terms of an identity or lifestyle. Homosexuality is only condemned in scripture in the context of sexually immoral practices.
5) Homosexual behavior is no more sinful than heterosexual adultery and fornication. Homosexuality should not be elevated to a higher position than other sexual sins.
6) Homosexual feelings are not external entities and cannot be “turned off” automatically. They are true human emotions just like any other human emotions, good or bad.
Knapp came out most notably in an extensive interview with Christianity Today, a well-noted conservative Evangelical publication. The interview, however, was not slanted in a victimizing fashion but was more concerned with letting Knapp give her honest answers and share her true thoughts and feelings.
Regardless of your take on Jennifer Knapp’s sexuality, she definitely raises some good questions regarding how the church engages homosexuals and alludes to the attitudes the church presents regarding homosexuality.
Jennifer Knapp contends:
…if you remove the social problem that homosexuality brings to the church—and the debate as to whether or not it should be called a "struggle," because there are proponents on both sides—you remove the notion that I am living my life with a great deal of joy. It never occurred to me that I was in something that should be labeled as a "struggle." The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith.
Knapp is quick to say that she has never felt she was involved in an internal struggle regarding her sexuality, but insists that some have automatically made it appear that way. The question ultimately is raised, are we as Christians create an inner struggle for homosexuals that may not even exist? She points out that she has felt that she is required to “choose” between her Christianity and her feelings, and Knapp stresses that her real struggle was with trying to find genuine human acceptance in the church as someone who desires love and grace. Too often I think Christians write of homosexuals first as homosexuals, and forget that they are first people just like everyone else. Knapp goes deeper, later in the interview, saying:
… everyone around me made it absolutely clear that this is not an option for me, to invest in this other person—and for me to choose to do so would be a denial of my faith…
...there are people I care about within the church community who would seek to throw me out simply because of who I've chosen to spend my life with.
Jennifer Knapp senses that the Church is giving her the age old “clean up or get out” message that at one time or another has permeated American evangelicalism. It’s as if the church will anything else to exist and let someone “wrestle with it” within the body of Christ, but with homosexuality, you must “check yourself” at the door. The reality is that homosexuality is not an objective thing that can be removed from someone but an issue that involves one’s emotional feelings and identity. Yet for some reason Christians have forgotten that aspect of it.
Notice that Knapp does not refer to her relationship in primarily sexual or romantic terms, but simply uses relational language. “Invest in” “spend my life.” These are words that are not generally associated with sexual immorality. In speaking of sexual purity and sexual immorality scripture is clear, but when speaking of relationality and choosing to invest in another individual and love them unconditionally, scripture is also clear. Love your neighbor. There is nothing sexual about investing in another person so as to build them up and love them. Or to put it another way, if I as a heterosexual male have a close relationship with my good friends who are men and invest in them, there is nothing wrong with that. But if someone struggles with or identifies himself or herself as a homosexual, suddenly that investment in another person becomes a sin. How are we to know what aspects of a relationship are sexual in nature? Where and how do we draw the line that says this emotional relationship is now sinful? It is merely impossible to make such a distinction.
On the other hand it is clear that Jennifer Knapp is involved in a romantic relationship with another woman, but that does not negate the importance of her acceptance as a child of God and her desire to sacrificially invest in someone she loves dearly. This raises the question, is her sexuality all that matters or is there other aspects to her?
Knapp states, with utmost sincerity, …if God expects me, in order to be a Christian, to be able to theologically justify every move that I make, I'm sorry. I'm going to be a miserable failure.
It appears that Jennifer Knapp is aware that she is incapable of achieve success with Christianity alone apart from God and that she is asking for love, understanding, and grace. If this is her true desire, why are we neglecting her of it? It is my understanding that the gospel is about redemption and reconciliation. God redeemed Jennifer Knapp on the cross and she has clearly accepted His free gift of grace. Yet, God desires to continue to redeem and restore Jennifer Knapp and it is our job as the church, the visible hands and feet of Christ, to join God in that redemption story. Why is it, then, that we are so reluctant to join Him concerning Jennifer Knapp?
If anything we must remember that Jennifer Knapp is a child of God who has been redeemed by Grace, loves God and is loved by God. We cannot let her sexuality be the only thing that defines her. The church must be her home.
The excerpts from the article referenced first appeared in the April 2010 issue of Christianity Today. Used by permission of Christianity Today International, Carol Stream, IL 60188. Click here to read the entire interview.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Something there in between
As most of you know, I went through a deep depression this past summer where I questioned my reason for living, my impact on the Kingdom of God, my value to others, etc. You can read about it here: http://u.nu/3mzr3 And, as most of you know, I also recovered from that depression and gained some new insight to who I am and who God is to me. You read my "recovery" blog post here: http://u.nu/6mzr3.
What I did not mention, however, was how I came to the conclusions that I did. Yes, I did listen to a sermon that helped me. But before the sermon, I was saved through something else. Something profoundly impactful and powerful. I was saved through music.
More specifically, I was saved through the music of the band Flyleaf. Flyleaf is a hardcore band from Arlington, Texas who has become a platinum act since their debut in 2006. I received Flyleaf's debut record from a friend who got it at a youth event but didn't want it. As with many bands these days, Flyleaf does not market themselves as a "Christian" band but "Christians in a band." I've had their record on my iPod for the last 3 years but never really gave it much of a listen. I liked a few of their songs, but was never really sold on the band.
As my luck would have it, an internet message board forum that I found on RELEVANT magazine's website mentioned Flyleaf. After an intriguing discussion about the band, I decided to give their album another listen. It was here that I found the words of Flyleaf lead vocalist Lacey Mosley (Sturm), as raw and honest as she could have ever been. The last song on the record, entitled "So I Thought”, speaks of a rough time that Lacey went through and she talks about how it took her time to really address the issues she had been dealing with. During the song's bridge, Lacey pours out her soul to God when she sings:
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
But it was the last lines of the song that really got me. At the conclusion of the song, Lacey passionately proclaims:
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
That last line, And all these twisted thoughts I see Jesus there in between, was what I needed to hear. Furthermore, Lacey's introduction to the song that I discovered via Youtube also gave me hope and peace.
I don't know about you guys but I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've hurt a lot of people and I've been hurt by a lot of people. There's a lot of guys out there that really mistreat girls, and a lot of girls out there that really mistreat guys. I've broken promises that I've made to people that I love and to God and everything. I've messed up a lot, and the point is that if you've been messed up and made mistakes, it doesn't mean that you have to keep screwing up, or that your life is ruined and that you're worthless. It means that you can start over, you just have to make that decision yourself. That's what I think about when I sing this song. - Lacey Mosley
I realized that I've made a lot of mistakes and while I know I am not without flaws, I finally realized that I will never be in a state where I can say that everything is alright and or be in a state of perfect bliss or euphoria. To say that I am is a lie. It may sound strange, but at the age of 23, I still haven't realized some aspects of Christ's sacrifice. Though I've been a Christian since I was 5, I've spent the last 10-12 years of my life trying to put myself in a state of ultimate perfection. I wanted things to be “perfect.” It has taken me nearly 10 years to fully understand that it's not me that has to be perfect, because Jesus was perfect. Jesus invites us to give our sins to Him and nail them to the cross. Jesus invites us into a grand story called Redemption. Jesus invites to live Holy not because of religious legalism but out of a love for what is true, good, and beautiful. The ultimate author of that unconditional and undying love is Jesus. I wanted answers to why I hurt, when in reality the answers were staring me right in the face all that time. I am a part of a bigger story that is not finished and is still waiting to be completed. And all these twisted thoughts I see, Jesus there in between!
To listen to the song “So I Thought” go here ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZuskwmcQGg
grace and peace,
jeremy
What I did not mention, however, was how I came to the conclusions that I did. Yes, I did listen to a sermon that helped me. But before the sermon, I was saved through something else. Something profoundly impactful and powerful. I was saved through music.
More specifically, I was saved through the music of the band Flyleaf. Flyleaf is a hardcore band from Arlington, Texas who has become a platinum act since their debut in 2006. I received Flyleaf's debut record from a friend who got it at a youth event but didn't want it. As with many bands these days, Flyleaf does not market themselves as a "Christian" band but "Christians in a band." I've had their record on my iPod for the last 3 years but never really gave it much of a listen. I liked a few of their songs, but was never really sold on the band.
As my luck would have it, an internet message board forum that I found on RELEVANT magazine's website mentioned Flyleaf. After an intriguing discussion about the band, I decided to give their album another listen. It was here that I found the words of Flyleaf lead vocalist Lacey Mosley (Sturm), as raw and honest as she could have ever been. The last song on the record, entitled "So I Thought”, speaks of a rough time that Lacey went through and she talks about how it took her time to really address the issues she had been dealing with. During the song's bridge, Lacey pours out her soul to God when she sings:
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
But it was the last lines of the song that really got me. At the conclusion of the song, Lacey passionately proclaims:
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
That last line, And all these twisted thoughts I see Jesus there in between, was what I needed to hear. Furthermore, Lacey's introduction to the song that I discovered via Youtube also gave me hope and peace.
I don't know about you guys but I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've hurt a lot of people and I've been hurt by a lot of people. There's a lot of guys out there that really mistreat girls, and a lot of girls out there that really mistreat guys. I've broken promises that I've made to people that I love and to God and everything. I've messed up a lot, and the point is that if you've been messed up and made mistakes, it doesn't mean that you have to keep screwing up, or that your life is ruined and that you're worthless. It means that you can start over, you just have to make that decision yourself. That's what I think about when I sing this song. - Lacey Mosley
I realized that I've made a lot of mistakes and while I know I am not without flaws, I finally realized that I will never be in a state where I can say that everything is alright and or be in a state of perfect bliss or euphoria. To say that I am is a lie. It may sound strange, but at the age of 23, I still haven't realized some aspects of Christ's sacrifice. Though I've been a Christian since I was 5, I've spent the last 10-12 years of my life trying to put myself in a state of ultimate perfection. I wanted things to be “perfect.” It has taken me nearly 10 years to fully understand that it's not me that has to be perfect, because Jesus was perfect. Jesus invites us to give our sins to Him and nail them to the cross. Jesus invites us into a grand story called Redemption. Jesus invites to live Holy not because of religious legalism but out of a love for what is true, good, and beautiful. The ultimate author of that unconditional and undying love is Jesus. I wanted answers to why I hurt, when in reality the answers were staring me right in the face all that time. I am a part of a bigger story that is not finished and is still waiting to be completed. And all these twisted thoughts I see, Jesus there in between!
To listen to the song “So I Thought” go here ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZuskwmcQGg
grace and peace,
jeremy
Sunday, July 26, 2009
more than meets the eye.
This blog is long overdue. Three weeks I believe, though probably more. Over the last month I have done a lot of praying, thinking, reflecting, and reading, and I realize now the short comings of my own life, and the everlasting goodness of a God who loves me for exactly the man I am.
As you recall, my last blog was a confession over a struggle with mostly fear and doubt. My emotions were overrun and my faith seemed to be bone dry. I was broken and falling apart. I am grateful to the many of you who offered your loving and kind words of solidarity, blessing, and concern. Thank you all for you all so much for your prayers and thank for you continued support of me in my ups and downs. You are truly beautiful people and are truly an exquisite representation of the Body of Christ.
During my time of process, I kept wandering back to the reality of feeling helpless, worthless, over-run and unworthy. It wasn’t until the LORD spoke so clear to me by His Spirit through another Christ follower that I began to realize the reality of what I was dealing with. I wasn’t dealing so much with failure, but with doubt. Not doubt of God, but doubt in myself. And it was that doubt drew me to God and it was through that doubt that God reminded me of who I am and what I am worth.
A couple of weeks ago I listen to a pastor speak on the book of Job. We’ve all heard the story where Job loses everything and is left with painful boils all over his body and he is sitting in a pile of ash, scraping his sores with shards of clay, trying to relieve his pain. Job is dealing with the deepest possible pain. Job’s wife infamously contends “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).
Then Job’s three friends show up and they each go around and say their piece about why Job is suffering. They give their explanations. They want answers. Explanations. The want reasons for why this is so hard.
That is what I dealt with. I wanted to know why I felt the way that I did. I wanted to know why it wasn’t working out the way I had thought it would. I was in deep, dark pain. I wanted to know why life was so hard and why I kept failing and feeling like I jacked things up.
Now, after Job and his friends all have their say, then YHWH finally speaks. God has questions for Job and they went something like this:
Then YHWH spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
Prepare to defend yourself;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
(Job 38:1-7)
God goes on with question after question after question after question after question after question after question. (you can read it in Job 38-40)
And then finally, God says to Job
"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!" (Job 40:1)
And then Job replies:
I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more. (Job 40:4-5)
I wanted answers. Why I was in such pain? Why was I hurting?
Now, I believe that sometimes the only rational, normal, healthy thing to do is shake our fist at the heavens and demand and explanation…
…but true wisdom, like what Job had, is the kind of wisdom that endures and sustains a person through the deepest pain, it’s the kind of wisdom knows when to speak and when to be SILENT because my story is NOT OVER and the last word HAS NOT BEEN SPOKEN. The BOOK IS NOT FINISHED and God is NOT DONE WITH ME YET because THERE IS MUCH MORE GOING ON with me than I could EVER REALIZE or comprehend, and who can contend with the Almighty, right?
I believe that I initially failed to see that there is so much more going on than I could ever comprehend. I spoke once, but I will say no more….
grace and peace to you,
jeremy
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Kicking and Screaming
DISCLAIMER: I APOLOGIZE FOR MY USE OF STRONG LANGUAGE HOWEVER I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY TO EXPRESS MYSELF PROPERLY AT THIS TIME.
Nature's first green is gold.
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
- Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost
This is something I’ve needed to vent for quite some time.
Nothing gold can stay. That feels like my life right at this very moment. Nothing is what life is. I’m not someone who has had an easy life, and I’ve pulled through some of the toughest times I can think of. But now I find little value in the answers that mindless culture and religion try to offer. There’s a lot I could say about my life, but here’s a quick history lesson.
- I have a lot of chronic health problems from being born 4 months early, 23 weeks premature April 29, 1986. I have a chronic neuro-muscular condition which basically means that I cannot run a whole lot or walk very far or do a lot of strenuous activities without getting immensely fatigued. I had learning disabilities growing up and was "just a little slower than most", to quote Radio. I have issues with insomnia and have struggled with my weight. You can read more about all of this here.
- Because I was a preemie, I've been a social disgust to my family and friends (this can explain some of it) I've suffered from clinical depression for nearly the past 10 years and even contemplated suicide at one point.
Through years of talk therapy and proper use of medication I have emerged a strong fighter with the hope of success. I still struggle with depression and I struggle with literally not pissing people off or offending them because I don't have the "filter" other people have, or at least that's what people have said about me.
Currently my life at this point in time is nothing to praise. I'm going to graduate from college in less than a year and I’m scared shitless! I've never really had a real job. The closest I've come to having a real job was doing custodial work on my campus (for some extra cash) and being a camp counselor. Both were legitimate positions with W4's and all that, but, I'm honesty scared to death about the future because I've never done stuff like rented an apartment and supported myself. I've never had a livable income and to be honest, in the most general sense of the term, "I still live with my parents."
I’m 23 and have never had a girl be interested in me and wonder and worry if I am ever going to marry. My social quirks and “issues” put me in quite a low position when it comes to the women factor. However, because God created me to seek emotional intimacy with a female, sometimes my stomach will LITERALLY feel pain and anxiety when I think about my future and the possibility of having a wife and family. My hopes get crushed. I want to have confidence, but I honestly just don’t know where to get it because it seems as if this world would rather lock me up and throw away the key, keeping me from “harming society” so to speak.
When it comes to success and the future, what I've noticed is that society looks for top notch people and I am certainly not one of those! With my disabilities I'm not the first person people want to hire for a job. I've noticed a lot of resume's have awards and honors people have received, and most people have some type of distinguished achievements. I have none of that! I'm an average student who is probably going to graduate with a 2.5 GPA and have ZERO awards or achievements. To be honest, my resume' really will look like shit and I'm afraid I'll end up one of those 30 year old mooches who is single and lives with his mother!
My parents keep on hounding me to make something of myself. They keep saying that I'm not showing them that I have the ability and skills to live on my own and survive! They have expectations of me that I haven't even considered yet, though I am fucking senior in college. Every time I go home for the holidays or summer or when we talk on the phone, my mom always says "have you thought about a job yet?" when in reality I'm just trying to survive that day. In reality, I feel like I'm running out of hope, and my parents are the only people who I really have who can support me in every way. I feel hopeless, like I want to walk of the face of this planet and go lovingly into the arms of Jesus and not have to worry anymore. My mother speaks constantly how she’s worried I won’t have a job and won’t be able to support myself! And when it comes down to it, comments like that don’t necessarily raise my hopes of succeeding in life. It makes me want to curl up and die, because it seems like I’m never going to be anywhere. In my entire life, I have ALWAYS felt like I’m only second best. I’m like that player who is benched and only put in the game when no one else is left to play. That back up guy who isn’t really needed, but is there just in case everything else fails.
With that I find myself asking the age old question? What is life for? Now, I know the answer is that we are to love God and love others, thereby advancing His kingdom on earth until He returns, at which He will judge the living and the dead, finally restoring His Kingdom. God seeks to restore all things in Heaven and on earth unto himself, through the blood sacrifice of his only son Jesus Christ. This restoration comes by the eternal life given to all who accept God’s free gift of salvation, grace offered to them eternally and unconditionally. I understand that my purpose is to advance the Kingdom of God and bring Him glory by his unconditional, never-ending love. But I’m beginning to feel like my work in His Kingdom is really not worth completing because there are several people who are so much more capable of advancing the Kingdom of God than I am. Hell, I can barely support myself and have no real hope for a future. I often wonder why I was delt this hand in life. Why am I always second best, never good enough to be first?
I will say that there a people who have greatly encouraged and supported me and have given me a splinter of hope in this messed up world. These are the people who have stuck by me or who have mentored me in ways I cannot explain. The efforts and encouragement are greatly appreciated and I want to say that Thank You and that I love you.
But that ever-so-destructive thought of continued failure, of only being second best, and of not succeeding grips the inner parts of my soul and eats me alive. I pray God has mercy on my tortured soul!
Grace and Peace to you,
jeremy
Nature's first green is gold.
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
- Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost
This is something I’ve needed to vent for quite some time.
Nothing gold can stay. That feels like my life right at this very moment. Nothing is what life is. I’m not someone who has had an easy life, and I’ve pulled through some of the toughest times I can think of. But now I find little value in the answers that mindless culture and religion try to offer. There’s a lot I could say about my life, but here’s a quick history lesson.
- I have a lot of chronic health problems from being born 4 months early, 23 weeks premature April 29, 1986. I have a chronic neuro-muscular condition which basically means that I cannot run a whole lot or walk very far or do a lot of strenuous activities without getting immensely fatigued. I had learning disabilities growing up and was "just a little slower than most", to quote Radio. I have issues with insomnia and have struggled with my weight. You can read more about all of this here.
- Because I was a preemie, I've been a social disgust to my family and friends (this can explain some of it) I've suffered from clinical depression for nearly the past 10 years and even contemplated suicide at one point.
Through years of talk therapy and proper use of medication I have emerged a strong fighter with the hope of success. I still struggle with depression and I struggle with literally not pissing people off or offending them because I don't have the "filter" other people have, or at least that's what people have said about me.
Currently my life at this point in time is nothing to praise. I'm going to graduate from college in less than a year and I’m scared shitless! I've never really had a real job. The closest I've come to having a real job was doing custodial work on my campus (for some extra cash) and being a camp counselor. Both were legitimate positions with W4's and all that, but, I'm honesty scared to death about the future because I've never done stuff like rented an apartment and supported myself. I've never had a livable income and to be honest, in the most general sense of the term, "I still live with my parents."
I’m 23 and have never had a girl be interested in me and wonder and worry if I am ever going to marry. My social quirks and “issues” put me in quite a low position when it comes to the women factor. However, because God created me to seek emotional intimacy with a female, sometimes my stomach will LITERALLY feel pain and anxiety when I think about my future and the possibility of having a wife and family. My hopes get crushed. I want to have confidence, but I honestly just don’t know where to get it because it seems as if this world would rather lock me up and throw away the key, keeping me from “harming society” so to speak.
When it comes to success and the future, what I've noticed is that society looks for top notch people and I am certainly not one of those! With my disabilities I'm not the first person people want to hire for a job. I've noticed a lot of resume's have awards and honors people have received, and most people have some type of distinguished achievements. I have none of that! I'm an average student who is probably going to graduate with a 2.5 GPA and have ZERO awards or achievements. To be honest, my resume' really will look like shit and I'm afraid I'll end up one of those 30 year old mooches who is single and lives with his mother!
My parents keep on hounding me to make something of myself. They keep saying that I'm not showing them that I have the ability and skills to live on my own and survive! They have expectations of me that I haven't even considered yet, though I am fucking senior in college. Every time I go home for the holidays or summer or when we talk on the phone, my mom always says "have you thought about a job yet?" when in reality I'm just trying to survive that day. In reality, I feel like I'm running out of hope, and my parents are the only people who I really have who can support me in every way. I feel hopeless, like I want to walk of the face of this planet and go lovingly into the arms of Jesus and not have to worry anymore. My mother speaks constantly how she’s worried I won’t have a job and won’t be able to support myself! And when it comes down to it, comments like that don’t necessarily raise my hopes of succeeding in life. It makes me want to curl up and die, because it seems like I’m never going to be anywhere. In my entire life, I have ALWAYS felt like I’m only second best. I’m like that player who is benched and only put in the game when no one else is left to play. That back up guy who isn’t really needed, but is there just in case everything else fails.
With that I find myself asking the age old question? What is life for? Now, I know the answer is that we are to love God and love others, thereby advancing His kingdom on earth until He returns, at which He will judge the living and the dead, finally restoring His Kingdom. God seeks to restore all things in Heaven and on earth unto himself, through the blood sacrifice of his only son Jesus Christ. This restoration comes by the eternal life given to all who accept God’s free gift of salvation, grace offered to them eternally and unconditionally. I understand that my purpose is to advance the Kingdom of God and bring Him glory by his unconditional, never-ending love. But I’m beginning to feel like my work in His Kingdom is really not worth completing because there are several people who are so much more capable of advancing the Kingdom of God than I am. Hell, I can barely support myself and have no real hope for a future. I often wonder why I was delt this hand in life. Why am I always second best, never good enough to be first?
I will say that there a people who have greatly encouraged and supported me and have given me a splinter of hope in this messed up world. These are the people who have stuck by me or who have mentored me in ways I cannot explain. The efforts and encouragement are greatly appreciated and I want to say that Thank You and that I love you.
But that ever-so-destructive thought of continued failure, of only being second best, and of not succeeding grips the inner parts of my soul and eats me alive. I pray God has mercy on my tortured soul!
Grace and Peace to you,
jeremy
Monday, May 04, 2009
The Great Divorce, The Lost Chapter
This is my artistic project for Dr. G's C.S. Lewis class. It's an alternate scene to The Great Divorce (as you probably already guessed from the title) and it's about when the main character encounters a conversation between a health and wealth pastor and a Heavenly soul (The Solid Man). Hope you like it.
The Great Divorce – The Lost Chapter
Suddenly I looked and saw in the distance a man that appeared somewhat familiar. He was certainly a Ghost, and I knew I had seen him before, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around who he was. I started to make my way towards him but kept my distance, so as not to grab his attention. I kept on walking amidst the bright light, noticing however that the light was getting dimmer and dimmer the closer I got to him. As I got closer I noticed a Solid Man standing with him, deep in conversation. I moved in close so I could hear them clearly and neatly planted myself behind a bush, watching carefully to keep myself hidden so as not to disrupt their conversation.
When I took a good look at him I noticed he was not like some of the other ghosts. He was an older man, I’d say probably in his mid 40s on earth when he came to be, and was very well dressed and groomed quite nicely. He was somewhat of a stalky figure, about 5’ 10” tall, a bit overweight but not obese.
I looked a bit more closely and noticed he was dressed in a fine suit and tie, Giorgio Armani or Ralph Lauren it must have been, and custom tailored to his own preferences for I had never seen a suit cut quite like his. Clasped around his wrist was what appeared to be a genuine gold Rolex watch, though it didn’t keep time of course, for there is no use for a time peace when time does not exist. His feet were graced with authentic Louis Vuitton loafers, which would probably be worth quite a shilling on earth. His outfit was certainly of a different class than what most people could have afforded on earth. This ghost was certainly a rich man when he was alive.
I sat there in a rather puzzled state, still trying to think of who he was. I knew that I knew him from somewhere, but where? Tilting my head closer I leaned in to hear the conversation between the ghost and the Solid Creature.
“Why! Why! Why! Why am I not with you?” exclaimed the Well Dressed Ghost. “Why was I sent Down There? It doesn’t make any sense! Why, I thought I’d certainly be one of the ones up here with you! I, I just don’t get it.”
His voice was deep and rather soothing despite his frustration, like the sound a calmly flowing stream or tall grass waving in the wind in a meadow. His voice seemed so familiar, but still I couldn’t place him in my earth-filled memory, if such a thing even “exists.”
The Solid Man soon responded. “The more you question yourself, the more you will never see the answer. If you could take one good look in a mirror I’d think you’d see.”
“What! Was it true? Was I really to rich to enter heaven?” the ghost sharply responded, now with an even more puzzled look on his face.
“It is not your possessions that kept you so far away. In fact, with all the wealth you did acquire, you could’ve done so much more and you would have come so much closer. It was not what you had, but what you did that kept you stuck.”
What I did! What I did! How can you say that! All I did was my job, weekly, and I spoke with him quite frequently as well. Why, I did such great things, you see. What about all those amazing stories? It was you who was behind all those, wasn’t it? How can you say it’s what I did when all I did was what you told me to do?!” The ghost was still greatly perplexed; his eyes were bright with confusion as he seemed to scratch his head. His tear ducts were swollen with anxiety as he did not understand what the Solid Man was saying.
“Well, I will say that it was certainly us who declared some of those wonderful things, and I am not going to say that good did not come out of it.” Replied the solid man
“Well then why am I stuck down there? Oh please, just give me the answer! All this bantering is not worth the hassle. I just want to know! Why won’t you tell me? I can tell you story after story. What about that lady who was bound to a wheel-chair? She couldn’t walk. She was in so much pain, and was crying in anguish! I asked with boldness for her healing and proclaimed his words over her! And she walked! She stood up out of her old-rickety wheel chair and walked! Are you telling me that it was the devil that did that? Are you really saying that to me?”
Finally, it hit me who this man was! He was once a preacher, and a rather famous one at that! His name was Timothy Jones, a pastor from the Grace Church in Atlanta, Georgia! This greatly puzzled me, because the last person you’d expect to see in hell was a pastor! Every Sunday his church broadcasted services on public broadcast television in London! His church seemed to do such great things for Christianity. Always healing and saving people, at least I thought so. Granted I shall say that I did not agree with all of their theology. I felt like they stressed a form of faith that pretty much said all Christians should be healthy, rich, wonderful people. Anything that went wrong was not our fault but the Devil, trying to destroy us. They never seemed to talk about what Christians called sin and they always focused on what they could be doing wit their money.
The ghost continued:
“What about that healing center? That prayer hall? What about the satellite dish that broadcasted services? All those things, you say weren’t about God? Are you telling me that wasn’t God at all but Satan?” the Ghost persisted. He was extremely puzzled at what the Solid Man was saying.
The solid man spoke again “Mr. Jones, it never is the things you do that get you into heaven?” “And I believed that, and taught it” The ghost interjected.
“You say you believed it, but did you really? You gave yourself such a gigantic salary and spent it in such frivolous ways, that you never were able to focus on who you really were! You never taught your people about repentance, about sin, or about judgment. All you gave them was what they wanted to hear. I watched you for many years and year after year, I began to notice that you didn’t ever teach anything more that what made everyone feel good. I knew that you yourself didn’t believe it either.”
“Didn’t I do all those things in His name? Didn’t I attribute all those miracles to God?” the ghost interjected again.
“Mr. Jones, in your conversion experience, you claimed that God appeared to you in a dream and that from then on you were called to ministry. Didn’t you ever stop to think that maybe the devil could have been behind those things? You never really repented of your sins; you believed that it was all just wiped clean! You thought you were all-in free. Worse off, how many of those healings actually happened? You used gullible Christians to make money for yourself by showing off faked miracle-healings and forced people to believe that if they gave you money, they’d be rich and be blessed. All that money went back into your pocket Mr. Jones. Don’t you see? It was about you! It was always about you and never about God! God was your little pawn which you used to your own selfish-advantage. I am not saying that your wealth is bad thing in and of itself, but remember that to whom much is given, much is required. You had money, power, and fame and you never shared it with anyone!”
“Never shared! Never shared! What about that orphanage, that hospital we built, what about all those starving kids in Africa we saved?” Mr. Jones again proceeded to plead with the Solid Man, still trying to legitimize himself.
“Did that money really go towards all those things? Furthermore, did you really want to send that money away out of love, or was it out of a sort of spiritual obligation. Mr. Jones, you took and took and took but never gave back! You performed miracles, but never knew who He was. You never really loved, did you? All this time He had His arms stretched out towards you, but you never received Him. His grace was given, but resisted!”
At this point I noticed that Mr. Jones had what appeared to be a bible in his hands, except it seemed to be quite heavy, for he seemed to be struggling to carry it. A look closer revealed that the Bible was not only heavy, but the pages were blank; it was as if Mr. Jones had his own bible in which he wrote in himself, as if he was determining what the bible said.
I noticed too that extending out from the apparent bible were chains, which seemed to morph slowing into Mr. Jones suit, almost as if they became one. Then I noticed what it was! The bible was heavy on Mr. Jones heart, but his heart was so selfish that he could not open up the bible, no matter how hard he tried. His heart was hard. Mr. Jones soon turned away from the Solid Man, again raging on and on “Why me? Why me? I’m a pastor and I’m supposed to be in Heaven!” His ghostly figure soon faded away and soon he was no more to be seen. He seemed to wander off into his own world, as if he preferred to be by himself.
Friday, May 01, 2009
God in the mosh pit, part II
I was not intending to write a second blog about another experience at a hardcore show, but this one just kind of came to mind and I couldn’t let it go untouched. Last Saturday night I went to see one of my new favorite hardcore/metalcore bands play at the Hawthorne Theater in Portland. The Devil Wears Prada (also known as TDWP) (yes, they got their name from the book, but for a different reason) is a hardcore band from Dayton, Ohio and are what some in the evangelical subculture would consider a “Christian” band. Since the band’s first record in early 2006 I have been a devoted fan.
The name of the band came when one of the band members read Lauren Weisberger’s critically acclaimed novel The Devil Wears Prada. The story is about a controlling, stylish-New York fashion magazine editor who is known for her stuck up, selfish attitude, and is referred to as “the Devil incarnate” by some of her employees. From the reference to fashion comes the catchy title, The Devil Wears Prada.
TDWP lead vocalist Mike Hranica states the band’s name, while from the novel, is about the concept of how the devil uses materialism and consumerism to remove our focus from loving God. Hranica stated in an interview, “if the devil were walking around, he would be wearing Prada or Gucci, or some super expensive clothing just so he could go around and be like, ‘Yo! Check out what I’m wearing! I’m wearing this sweet stuff!’ God, on the other hand, would be walking around wearing rags because he wouldn’t care. He’d be like, ‘You know what? I’m clothed; it’s all good. I am just as good as all these other people walking around.’”
The show was intense as mind blowing, as I was expecting, but I noticed something in particular that I’ve never really noticed before. I think music is certainly a gift from a loving God who created us to be creative and reflect His love. I’ve noticed that when I’m at most rock shows, up close and squished between sweaty bodies of people I’d probably avoid if I saw them on the street, this overwhelming sense of passion begins to overtake my body, and with the adrenaline rush from the live show, I all of a sudden I feel like I am capable to take on anything and save the world. I’ve noticed that I frequently find myself thinking of social justice initiatives and global peace advocacy when I am with that crowd, rocking out! I’m sure it sounds strange, so let me clarify a few things.
I’ve always had a strong connection with music that is different than just enjoying a song or a band. I seem to really find myself and often find God in music in more often than in nature or in a story. Music just seems to have a special place in my life. Historically, throughout American Evangelical History, metal music has been primarily associated with the demonic influence, Satanism, and evil. The sound of people screaming lyrics seems to resemble more the shriek of demons and appear to be filled with anger rather than the “baah”of a lamb or the peaceful sound of a babbling brook. However I think I see things a bit differently.
When I’m at a hardcore show or even just listening to metal and hardcore music, I envision the screaming and fast paced music more like the roar of the Lion of Judah as He wages war against injustice and sin rather than Satan torturing a soul in Hell. I believe that there will certainly come a day where God will judge the living and the dead and there will be a great war between good and evil and evil will be destroyed.
On the contrary, when I’m enjoying mellow, slow, acoustic music, I envision myself basking in the awe of God’s presence and enjoying His blessed creation. With this sentiment in mind, I wonder if this is how God uses music to connect to us, His creation. It’s one thing to sing a song; it’s another thing to be completely swept away, in awe of grace, joy, beauty, and wonder.
Furthermore, I cannot seem to get over the fact that God uses music and art as a platform to transform us and mold us into His image. I’m not talking about singing praise songs on a Sunday morning in church, I’m talking about the emotions that are drawn up when you hear your favorite band singing your favorite song and what the melody and notes crafted together create within you. While some would say it’s selfish, I think it’s an example of who God made us to be: loving, passionate, and affectionate creatures. God created us with emotions and music is just one way in which we respond with emotion.
I’ve noticed that during a live show, as soon as the band takes the stage, all of a sudden it’s as if all of those little mundane things that separate us as a culture (race, class, religion, skin color, etc) seem to melt away and for a moment we are united together, all focused on one thing, the music that we love. A common good unites us regardless of diversity.
In his captivating story, The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis depicts Aslan the Lion creating the great mystical land of Narnia by singing. Rather than stern, rigid statements and commands, Aslan’s creation comes out in the form of a beautiful, sweet song, with each note building on the previous one. The song begins to reach certain points of climax as Aslan’s creation becomes more and more beautiful and more complex. Lewis brilliantly captures a rather beautiful expression of God’s artistic ability through the use of a beautiful medium, song. Lewis weaves together the intricacies of the Creation narrative while simultaneously capturing the beauty of what the experience of creation would have been like if we were there to see it, because God said that it was good and beautiful.
There is no song or music piece that captures God’s heart perfectly, for I think if such a song existed, it would have to contain elements of heavy metal, jazz, acoustic guitar, piano, etc. The music of God is something that is so mysterious yet so revolutionary, it cannot be captured.
I believe God has written us to perform certain parts of his song called Redemption and that we all play a different tune at different times. When put together this displays a beautiful example of the true and living God. God the Father through Christ’s redemptive sacrifice given by His Spirit is a song that is being composed and written and will one day be performed. As each day goes by He is making edits and deletions of parts of that song in each one of us until it is just right. When that day comes He will return and will look at his beautiful creation once again and say, “it is good.”
Until that day, I ask you to think of what song you are singing. What music are you playing with your life? Maybe you’re destroying injustice or maybe you’re relaxing in God’s presence. Or maybe you’re playing a sad song that makes God weep and He desires to retune that song until it’s a beautiful reflection of His love for you. What song are you playing, and what song are you called to play?
The name of the band came when one of the band members read Lauren Weisberger’s critically acclaimed novel The Devil Wears Prada. The story is about a controlling, stylish-New York fashion magazine editor who is known for her stuck up, selfish attitude, and is referred to as “the Devil incarnate” by some of her employees. From the reference to fashion comes the catchy title, The Devil Wears Prada.
TDWP lead vocalist Mike Hranica states the band’s name, while from the novel, is about the concept of how the devil uses materialism and consumerism to remove our focus from loving God. Hranica stated in an interview, “if the devil were walking around, he would be wearing Prada or Gucci, or some super expensive clothing just so he could go around and be like, ‘Yo! Check out what I’m wearing! I’m wearing this sweet stuff!’ God, on the other hand, would be walking around wearing rags because he wouldn’t care. He’d be like, ‘You know what? I’m clothed; it’s all good. I am just as good as all these other people walking around.’”
The show was intense as mind blowing, as I was expecting, but I noticed something in particular that I’ve never really noticed before. I think music is certainly a gift from a loving God who created us to be creative and reflect His love. I’ve noticed that when I’m at most rock shows, up close and squished between sweaty bodies of people I’d probably avoid if I saw them on the street, this overwhelming sense of passion begins to overtake my body, and with the adrenaline rush from the live show, I all of a sudden I feel like I am capable to take on anything and save the world. I’ve noticed that I frequently find myself thinking of social justice initiatives and global peace advocacy when I am with that crowd, rocking out! I’m sure it sounds strange, so let me clarify a few things.
I’ve always had a strong connection with music that is different than just enjoying a song or a band. I seem to really find myself and often find God in music in more often than in nature or in a story. Music just seems to have a special place in my life. Historically, throughout American Evangelical History, metal music has been primarily associated with the demonic influence, Satanism, and evil. The sound of people screaming lyrics seems to resemble more the shriek of demons and appear to be filled with anger rather than the “baah”of a lamb or the peaceful sound of a babbling brook. However I think I see things a bit differently.
When I’m at a hardcore show or even just listening to metal and hardcore music, I envision the screaming and fast paced music more like the roar of the Lion of Judah as He wages war against injustice and sin rather than Satan torturing a soul in Hell. I believe that there will certainly come a day where God will judge the living and the dead and there will be a great war between good and evil and evil will be destroyed.
On the contrary, when I’m enjoying mellow, slow, acoustic music, I envision myself basking in the awe of God’s presence and enjoying His blessed creation. With this sentiment in mind, I wonder if this is how God uses music to connect to us, His creation. It’s one thing to sing a song; it’s another thing to be completely swept away, in awe of grace, joy, beauty, and wonder.
Furthermore, I cannot seem to get over the fact that God uses music and art as a platform to transform us and mold us into His image. I’m not talking about singing praise songs on a Sunday morning in church, I’m talking about the emotions that are drawn up when you hear your favorite band singing your favorite song and what the melody and notes crafted together create within you. While some would say it’s selfish, I think it’s an example of who God made us to be: loving, passionate, and affectionate creatures. God created us with emotions and music is just one way in which we respond with emotion.
I’ve noticed that during a live show, as soon as the band takes the stage, all of a sudden it’s as if all of those little mundane things that separate us as a culture (race, class, religion, skin color, etc) seem to melt away and for a moment we are united together, all focused on one thing, the music that we love. A common good unites us regardless of diversity.
In his captivating story, The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis depicts Aslan the Lion creating the great mystical land of Narnia by singing. Rather than stern, rigid statements and commands, Aslan’s creation comes out in the form of a beautiful, sweet song, with each note building on the previous one. The song begins to reach certain points of climax as Aslan’s creation becomes more and more beautiful and more complex. Lewis brilliantly captures a rather beautiful expression of God’s artistic ability through the use of a beautiful medium, song. Lewis weaves together the intricacies of the Creation narrative while simultaneously capturing the beauty of what the experience of creation would have been like if we were there to see it, because God said that it was good and beautiful.
There is no song or music piece that captures God’s heart perfectly, for I think if such a song existed, it would have to contain elements of heavy metal, jazz, acoustic guitar, piano, etc. The music of God is something that is so mysterious yet so revolutionary, it cannot be captured.
I believe God has written us to perform certain parts of his song called Redemption and that we all play a different tune at different times. When put together this displays a beautiful example of the true and living God. God the Father through Christ’s redemptive sacrifice given by His Spirit is a song that is being composed and written and will one day be performed. As each day goes by He is making edits and deletions of parts of that song in each one of us until it is just right. When that day comes He will return and will look at his beautiful creation once again and say, “it is good.”
Until that day, I ask you to think of what song you are singing. What music are you playing with your life? Maybe you’re destroying injustice or maybe you’re relaxing in God’s presence. Or maybe you’re playing a sad song that makes God weep and He desires to retune that song until it’s a beautiful reflection of His love for you. What song are you playing, and what song are you called to play?
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