Enough is enough…time to face the truth. this is my life part 5

This is probably one of the hardest blogs I will ever write. Of all of them, this one probably hits the closest to home. This blog is really 15-17 years in the making, because it involves the most intimate parts of my relationship with my family. However, it comes with a current context.

Let me put a few things in perspective. This summer I am hoping to take 2 online courses (English 204 – fulfills advanced writing requirement, MUS101- fulfills Fine Arts requirement) that will significantly lighten my load here at Multnomah. I was advised by several individuals and faculty members to take both these courses online over the summer. The problem is it costs 2000 dollars, and I don’t have that kind of money. Now, to put this in perspective, my parents are running low on income because my families medical and utilities bill went up a mere 47% in the last 4-5 months, no doubt its because of this war recession this country is in. So, my family is almost flat broke. Also, I am planning to go on this missions trip to Mississippi for a week after school gets out that is going to cost around $700. I need 2700 dollars for the summer for school. I have no way of getting a job and I already applied on campus and all the positions were filled. I am flat broke as well. In short, I am going to need to rely on God for those 2700 dollars to get me through school and this trip and the summer. One of the main reasons I want to go on this mission trip is not just for the experience but for ministry credit as well.

Last night around 8PM I called home to tell my parents to email some addresses so I could send out support letters for this mission trip. What ended up happening a stern lecture from my parents about how they don’t have any money for school or support (I could get SOME money from FAFSA, but not enough to cover entire cost.)

My older brother Nate is getting married in the middle of July and my family and I are coming to Portland for the wedding this summer. Because of wedding expenses and the high cost of living now threatening my family, our finances are a wreck!

As the Lord would have it, last night we had a community praise/worship and prayer thing on campus last night for about 3 hours or so. The idea was to focus on praising God through all things, but what really convicted me wasn’t so much about my need of praising God, but my need for dependence on God.

This is the first time in my life that I’ve really felt a sure strong dependence entirely on God’s grace in my life solely on my own. In the past, I’ve of course had a dependence on God, but what it depended on was the conforming of my character to the likeness of Christ. This is the first time were my very life and future depends on MY dependence on the Lord.

Here’s the kicker.

I don’t deserve God’s grace and the blessing of the money I need.

Why?

See, for as far as I can really remember, my brother and I have had a completely non-existent relationship. Prior to spring break, the last time I had talked to him was June 1, 2007 I believe. Nearly 8 months ago. Even during Spring Break, we didn’t have personal conversations, but said things in passing VERY briefly. I have pretty much ex-communicated my brother from my life and have selfishly and subconsciously decided that our relationship is irreconcilable in a lot of ways.

Something that began as simple sibling rivalry when we were kids turned into a strong resentment for the other when we got older. We are both equally guilty with equal amounts of blood on our hands. I’ve even recalled dreams that I have had at night where my brother died and I didn’t really feel much discomfort or grief or sadness over his death. For most of my life I’ve wanted to get away from him and being my own person. In some ways it’s like I grew up in his shadow, and in other ways it’s like he grew up in my shadow. I’ve said so many harsh, hate-filled, words that in reality it seems to be no surprise that we’ve grown so distant.

THAT’S NOT RIGHT! WITHOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP, I HAVE NOTHING. I HAVE NOTHING! NOTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE OTHER THAN MY DEPENDCE ON GOD MATTERS BUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FAMILY THAT GOD HAS GIVEN ME!

Friends and education and money and classes and ministry, all this stuff is really secondary to the family God has given me.

My brother and I disagree on a lot of things concerning our worldviews, but that shouldn’t drive us further apart. If anything, it should make us want to come closer to learn about each other’s journeys. But nevertheless, he has become distant me and I from him.

My relationship with his fiance’ is great and I think she’s a great girl and I love her a lot. I really felt convicted last night that if I am to ask God to provide for me, I need to be sure that I’m not hiding anything from Him, because why would God chose to bless me if I’m not honest with Him. My relationship with my family and my brother is far more important than education or a mission trip experience. God has no right to bless me if I cannot forgive the sin of my own brother (Matt. 5:23-24; 6:15.) Scripture says that God’s love holds no record of sin (1 Cor. 13:4) and by not reconciling things with my brother I am certainly holding a record of sin.

I have decided that enough is enough! I want to truly reconcile our relationship (or in some ways, begin to build it) and apologize for the way I’ve treated him over the years because I am as guilty as he is when it comes to being disconnected, willfully choosing not to associate with him. Our differences don’t matter, because as part of the body of Christ we are both redeemed and free.

Jesus died to reconcile all things to himself and he desires to redeem every part of this broken world…through his blood shed he is reconciling and saving us from our sin and our brokenness; our brokenness with each other, creation, and Him. God’s gift of eternal life is holistic. God invites us to be a part of his redeeming gospel of hope for the world, and by holding by a grudge against my family I am not being a part of that redemption. God is looking for people who will be the Eucharist to the world, people who will break themselves open and pour themselves out for the redemption of the world. I cannot change the world if I first do not change myself.

My favorite passage of scripture is John 10:27 where Jesus confronts the skeptics on his claim of being the Christ. He clearly says “My sheep listen to my voice, I know them, and they follow me.” If I am hostile and hating and unforgiving toward my brother, am I living a life worthy of being called one of his sheep? I don’t think so. I am no better than the rich man who demanded favor from Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31).

Jesus wants to save me from my sins and my mistakes regarding my relationship with my brother, and that is a gift of salvation that I have not yet accepted. I realize that by not accepting this part of God’s redemptive story, I am essentially saying I don’t want any part in what God is doing in this world.

I need to offer confession, repentance, forgiveness, and grace to my brother. That is what Jesus did. I need to break myself and pour myself out for the sake of our relationship. Only then can I be free to accept God’s blessing.

With that, I would like to ask you all for prayer. Pray that I have the courage and the strength to be gracious with my brother and to not be hostile towards him and to be patient and embracing and to be like Jesus to him. I need prayer that God will provide reconciliation between us and my family and that He will graciously provide way for me to pay for summer school, because I need God now more than ever before. Regardless of my summer situation, pray that my relationship with my brother is redeemed and reconciled.

grace and peace to you,

jeremy