this is my reflection paper from my Experiental Learning class at Multnomah. The class focuses on how we learn experientally and how to teach experientally, focusing more on human emotions and narrative stories rather than systematic exposition , conversation rather than lecture, engagement rather than disengagement. Paul Elmore and Byron Kehler facilitated the weekend at Agape Youth and Family Ministries Challenge Course in Mt. Hood, Oregon (near Gresham). It was a wonderful time of reflection, emotional recharge, heart break, and self discovery. I am posting this here because I want to let myself be seen. To expose who I really am and who I really desire to be.
The learning lab retreat weekend was, in my own words, the best heart break I’ve had in a long time. This weekend will definitely be one to remember as I have seen sides of my story come out of me that I never thought I’d let out. I always wanted to keep them cooped up inside, only sharing it with a select few people whom I “trusted.” Over the weekend it quickly became apparent that no one cared what baggage anyone had brought with them. All the pain, anxiety, questions, biases, and bitterness, no one cared about those things. We all wanted to be in a community of love and respect and grace. It was probably the most refreshing feeling I’ve ever witnessed.
Going into the weekend, I had some expectations of getting to know myself better. I wanted to be able to open myself up and to let people know what was really going on inside of me. Part of that happened when Paul asked the question “what are you bringing into the room?” What was it that we had preconceived ideas about that we wanted to shed? Friday night, Paul talked about realizing that we all live in a box. That box is our comfort zone, were we feel safe. Outside of the box is what feels uncomfortable. Where we feel vulnerable, it’s where we feel unhappy and where we feel exposed. It set the precedent to the weekend. I’ll admit that I had a serious issue of fear of failure, rejection, self image, and anxiety. I was afraid of failing someone. I was afraid of offending someone. I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings and not knowing it, and hence people start to dislike me because of it. Through years of painful turmoil, brokenness, question, health issues, and anxiety I have never been able to really flex my own muscles. My mind has been conditioned to believe the untrue. 6 years of destruction defense mechanisms have been trying and taxing
I also have a fear of life. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to survive on my own when there is no longer a community of people to surround me and support me. It seems like I cast a lot of care on other people, but that I don’t really trust myself a lot of the time. It’s a process I was hoping to work though during the weekend.
As the weekend began, I started to see where my faults lie and where I believed a lie. During the Multi-ropes course, my team that I was on didn’t make it across the line, and for a while I ultimately felt that it was my fault because I have neuromuscular disease and I felt that that had ultimately let them down. I was afraid of failure, because I have “seen” it so much in my own life. I have been told that I have failed people or that I will ultimately be a failure in life because of my own actions. Words have been uttered that were harsh, painful, destructive, and scarring.
It wasn’t until later that I began to really see inside of me. During the spider web, we essentially had to trust everyone to get us across the web safely and securely without touching the web. For me, trusting everyone to do that wasn’t that difficult, however when the topic of me trusting myself came up, I wasn’t able to do it. I immediately asked people to help me through it, because I didn’t believe I could do it on my own. Paul got some stuff out of me! I started to think about my life and how many times I’ve been “carried” in life. If I think about it, I’ve been carried a lot of my life and not been able to stand on my own feet. I became dependent on my parents to get me through stuff or to fix my problems and I need to step out of my box and feel around and try things out. To wrestle, question, think, and to flex my springs. It’s uncomfortable.
One of the biggest challenges was the buddy walk. We essentially leaned on each other, supporting our weight on each other and using the flex off two cables to move down the cables. What it turned into was a true learning experience. We essentially had to trust ourselves in order to succeed at it. I almost broke down because I have never had anyone lean on me. It’s a hurtful process because I don’t understand why. I have a lot of questions that I don’t really understand. People don’t trust me, understand me, try to correct me, or think I’m just wrong or an idiot. Part of that comes from messages I’ve been sent over the years. I’ve been conditioned to think that it’s my fault, when in reality, its peoples other problems and their real insecurities. Paul mentioned Friday night that in reality, we treat people the way we want them to treat us. We don’t ever really cater to people’s needs as much as we think we do. The reason why is that we all have personal intentions and ideas, so we tend to focus on those almost subconsciously and don’t really focus on the issues at hand.
That makes me wonder, are people treating me with genuine respect or do we are they trying to “win me over” to their “side” of things, as if to be a counterforce or something like that. I wonder what it would be like if I ever brought that to someone? “What if I told you that you’re really treating me the way you want me to treat you and are trying to cater to your own needs instead of mine.” they wouldn’t know what hit them. What happens when I start being real with people. What happens when I really do speak my mind and not just say some stuff to get on with the conversation. “How are you doing?” “Good.” In reality I’m thinking “I’m actually doing horrible, but I don’t want to share that with you because I don’t trust you, so I’m going to say I’m doing good in order to get this over with so I can go on with my day.” It’s hard to connect with people that way. In theory, am I not the one worth trusting or is this all just a big fluke in my mind. Who’s right and who’s wrong?
Sunday morning really began to prove that for me. It was the cat walk. I was suspended 25 feet in the air and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I shared with the group about how I’ve been conditioned to think I’m an idiot and not worth loving and completely incompetent. I know that’s not the truth, but in reality people tend to over spiritualize stuff and say really meaningless stuff like “god accepts you.” yes, that is true, but that doesn’t fix the problem at hand. That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like crap.
After that, I went up on the log and I began to step out in faith. The log really allowed me to put away a lot of those negative messages and it forced me to trust myself. I felt a huge burden because I kept wondering what people would see or think. Logan was facilitating, and he did a really good job at it too. I started to wonder, what happens when we realize we’re really afraid of something else? I remember one person was up there and Logan asked what he/she was afraid of. “What are you afraid of? Do you trust that the person belaying you will keep you safe? Do you trust that the rope will catch you if you fall? Do you trust that no one here will judge you if you do fall and that everyone accepts who you are?” “Yes.” “so than what are you really afraid of?” “I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I’m afraid I’m a failure. And I’m afraid to face the failure because of other’s perceptions of me.”
The weekend made me really wonder about things. I admit that I am afraid of people. I’m constantly judging what I say and if people are going to like me or question me or if I’m being a total jerk or not. It’s just seems to be a part of me in some sense. Is that what I’m really afraid of? Sure. I’m afraid of people. I don’t want to answer questions; I don’t want to talk with people because I’m afraid I might say something stupid, or “inappropriate” or hurtful or conceited. A lot of times, I think I come across really cocky, smart assed, and ignorant. It’s something I need to get rid of, but I don’t know how to do it. I wish I could just lay it down and never pick it up again. It hurts.
What happens when we begin to open ourselves up to the people around us? It feels uncomfortable, and it also feels freeing at some point. There’s a part of me that brings up the question of integrity. Are there any dangers to letting ourselves be seen by everyone else? What are the risks involved? Is there a limit to where we should go and not go?
I think in all, I’ll remember the words of Paul when he said “we have to become comfortable with letting ourselves been seen.” When we become vulnerable, we let others see us for who we really are. I’m tired of painting a fake face. I’m tired of screwing with people just to get away from them. I’m tired of running away. I want to feel genuine love. I want people to accept love from me. I want to feel the way I am. That sense of vulnerability brings all those things to the surface and lets us question, cry, wonder, scream, and generally live life. I think that’s how we are meant to live. Dependence, trust, fear, questions, depression, anxiety, and pain are all things that we live in. To deny them would be a lie. To live in them would be truth, and to overcome them would be victory.
peace and love to you,jeremy
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