the gods aren't angry

So, last week I got to see Rob Bell speak on the "the god's aren't angry" tour at the Roseland theatre here in Portland. It was amazing! Rob was right on the money, exegeting everything extremely well in context and tying everything together with illustrations and examples of how it all works.

For anyone who might not know, Rob Bell is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church in Grandville, MI. He is also the featured speaker in the first series of short biblical teaching films called NOOMA. Rob has authored two books, both of which I think are incredible, Velvet Elvis and Sex God.

Rob's teaching has worked miracles in my life and made a profound change on the way I see things. It was in the summer of 2004 that Rob's teaching changed me through the NOOMA series (more on in the future!)

Rob's primary focus was about religiosity and how it was invented by humans to make themselves feel better. Essentially all truth is God's truth and all life is living and breathing God's name. Some of the first humans beings (post-fall and post-flood) began to recognize the different forces of nature and of life…the cycles of the sun, moon, and stars, the cycle of life. They began to realize that there are forces out there greater than themselves and began to name the different forces. The forces became gods who were up in the sky, separate from mankind.

When things would go bad, people assumed the gods were angry, and so recognizing that the gods, these unseen forces, were behind the cycles, they established a system of offerings (or sacrifices) to appease the gods, to satisfy them. They made an altar, a place to offer their sacrifices to these gods. How these sacrifices would work is, if you had a good crop, you made a sacrifice to give thanks. If you had a bad crop, you sacrificed in hopes you'd appease the anger and in turn, get a good return. If things were good, the gods must be happy… but if things were bad, something wasn't right. You needed to offer more. In reality it came about that you never knew where you stood with the gods. If you had an especially abundant harvest, you would offer more of a sacrifice because if you offered the gods the same amount of sacrifice but had the ability to offer more of a sacrifice; such an act of selfishness could anger the gods.

It was a vicious cycle that became deeply rooted in mankind. If things were good, you offered thanks. If things were bad, you offered a peace offering. If things were extra-good, you offered a larger portion as to not anger the gods. You never knew essentially where you stood with the gods because regardless of what happened, you had to offer sacrifice. So, it got extreme. When crops or animals weren't enough men began offering their own blood, their own children, and in some cases their manhood (not joking). In the book of Kings Chapter 17 you have the prophets of Baal cutting themselves and offering sacrifice. Nothing could satisfy… no sacrifice was good enough. You never knew were you stood with the gods.

Then Abraham came along and introduced a God who spoke to him. It was an actual God, speaking to men. And this God wasn't demanding of sacrifice – He was offering a promise and a blessing. It was revolutionary thinking, that a God would be involved in space in time, calling men into an actual relationship with Him. There is a back story to the story of Abraham were Abraham was instructed by YHWH to leave his father's household. Now, in eastern Jewish culture, "leaving your father's household" was not just packing up and leaving home. Leaving your father's household meant that you would essentially leave you're ENTIRE up bringing and belief system of your family or father.

The God of Abraham introduced a whole new sacrificial system…there were offerings, your sacrifices for forgiveness of sin, but even sacrifices to bring peace between yourself God, and yourself and others.

YHWH essentially transcends everything other god's "did." The stars were considered a god, and yet YHWH goes and uses it as an illustration to show how Abraham will have numerous offspring. YHWH uses the dust of the ground to illustrate how his offspring will multiply, and in everyone else's mind, this seemed odd. The gods were in all and through all. The gods would NEVER communicate with humans. There were not transcendent and would not embrace humanity. And yet here comes this one true God who completely goes against the grain of things and breaks every norm in which the people knew. And here comes this one God who is true and uses the others as "props" to make a point. This concept of a God communicating is a totally new concept unknown to anyone at the time. It's a complete paradigm shift.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and a Jewish Rabbi named Jesus come around and does the exact same thing to the current system of belief and understanding in the culture at that time. Jesus was said by many orthodox Jews to be the answer to a covenant that God made with is people of Israel thousands of years earlier (The Davidic Covenant). Matthew 21 tells of Jesus turning over the temple gates and driving out the merchants and thieves. He went into the Temple, into the very place where people were making their offerings, and said, "I'm here. I'm greater than the Temple. You can tear me down, and I'll rebuild it in 3 days…" as John referred to as his body being destroyed and raised again in 3 days. Jesus is trumping the system again! He sacrifices himself for our sins and our misleading. He, in essence, said that there's a greater way to know God than through ritual or sacrifice (and it's me!). Christ's sacrifice, for us, so we don't have to pay homage to God (the substitutionary atonement of sins.)

Rob shared stories of people he's encountered in his ministry… a businessman who is a slave to work to prove his worth, to live up to the approval of his in-laws, wresting with the sense that he's not good enough. She was striving for validation, success, and approval. Then, he had encountered young girls who were cutting themselves as a way to escape pain or emotional trauma and to overcome words of hurt and negativity. In bringing up all of these he asked:
"Do we have the same old gods, and we've just given them different names?"

The prophets of Baal cut themselves nearly 3000 years ago as a way to appease the gods.

In Hebrews, the author talks about the sacrifice Christ made by giving His life, and how His life was the final sacrifice to reconcile God and mankind. He did away with the old system and ushered in the culmination of the ages so everyone could understand the ultimate reality (Salvation from sin)… that they could see God in a whole new way. God made peace through Christ with all things on heaven and earth. He changed everything for everybody.

Then Rob talked about the whole point of sacrifices. Did we (and do we) sacrifice because God needs something from us? According to Psalm 50, God isn't pleased with our sacrifices…in Micah it says God isn't pleased with 1,000 rams… the list could go on but the point is the sacrifices weren't for God, they were for us. We are thinking we need to earn God's love when in reality; he's standing right there with arms wide open (no Creed reference here!)

We have a hard time trusting good things, so sacrifice area a reminder and ritual that keeps us knowing that God wants to bless us and not ask us for more. There's never been an effective religious deed in all of humanity.

Rob then entertained the question, "what is repentance?" It's not "I repent and THEN God does THIS." That's RELIGION! Repenting is not bargaining. God made peace with all things. He's already done it. Repentance is acknowledging what God has done and living differently because of it. What comes with that acknowledgement? The realization that we are sinners and that God is offering us a life that is better than anything we can give ourselves. God offers us grace, but it must be received (Receiving Christ as Savior.) The gospel is the good news that God hasn't given up on creation, that the tomb is empty and that a resurrection of souls is taking place.

The 'altar' was done with Jesus, but there's one more sacrifice we need to make… ourselves. We need to live our entire lives in thankfulness to God for what He's done. We need to put flesh and blood on it for others – we need to share it. We need to live the peace we've experienced and known.

Rob then shared a few more stories…. There was an Orthodox priest who went to investigate a woman who had been seeing visions of Jesus. He told the woman, the next time she saw Jesus, to ask him what sins he had committed. The priest went back a week later after hearing again that she had seen Jesus, he asked her "did you ask Jesus what sins I had committed this week?" "Yes" she replied…and the woman told him that Jesus answer was, "I don't remember."

He told a story of a woman who had been violently disfigured in an accident and her husband, when seeing her mangled face for the first time, kissed her and said, "I like it." Telling a girl who had brought shame to her family, "You don't embarrass me." That's Christ, that's the nature of God. He doesn't remember. He likes you. He doesn't hate you. The very air we breathe is His love for us. We have no need to impress, give more, improve, or perform. We don't have to live the like that. He came. The sacrifice has been made. At the culmination of the ages, Christ stands… and God isn't angry. God is love.

Rob shared a story from his personal life where he was pretty much burned out with being a pastor and was running himself ramped, trying to please everyone. These things had become his gods. Rob was sharing this with a friend several years ago and that friends simply look at Rob straight in the eye and repeated this simple phrase over and over until Rob finally realized it for himself.

You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this…

Rob ended with a benediction that I am trying to make real in my life everyday now… "May you come to see the Christ, who shed his blood for you at the cross; who conquered sin and death and because of that God isn't angry. May you embrace the risen Christ who is LOVE."

This really has profound implications on my life as it stands right now…I've suffered from depression (and at one point self-injury, but not anymore) and have really wrestled with what it means to trust Jesus. I've had doubts, fears, questions, baggage, and pain. It's showed in the form of blood, tears, anger, silence, music, poems, and even blogs. As I live this journey called life I am seeking to embrace the mystery that is Jesus Christ in me. I am in need of a savior every day I awake, and often times I walk around thinking that I must better myself for God's kingdom…that who I am isn't good enough. I have people on campus that I want to emulate in love and compassion and kindness and grace and I feel like I'm sinning for not having those particular qualities as strong as they do, as if they're better than me.

It's hard for me to realize that Christ works in everyone's life individually in different time frames and that everyone is different. I've come from a somewhat disgruntled background and my personality shows of it. I appear to harbor anger and regret for works of injustice done against me that I feel I need to let go. I need to breathe them out in a sigh of relief. I essentially think God as angry, in the sense that I'm not good enough for him. Each day I must strive to tell myself "I don't have to live like this", coming to grips with the true son of God who took my guilt on that cross so that I don't have to live like this."

peace and love be with you,
jeremy

broken, unsure, false, and insecure

This is the first time I’ve written anything in nearly 6 months...Multnomah has taken up a lot of time. The first half of the semester is over and I’m now able to work on some writing. This is really just a springboard for me to get back into the blog world as I have been in hiding for so long.

I’ve had some serious down falls in my life these past few months. Stuff that I have kept at bay and haven’t really let out. Now, you may be asking yourself “what hasn’t been let out?” because in the last few blogs I’ve been to open and honest and real with everything in my life that it seems like I’m an open book person. But alas, I still have many secrets and skeletons that grace the space behind the door of my closet.

I’ve had a lot of questions concerning the legitimacy of some relationships (note the “some”, not ALL.) I’ve gone to bed almost every night with a emotional pain inside of me, desiring truth and authenticity and grace and acceptance. I’ve had several questions about the reality of life, God, and the future. I’ll give a real reason why. First all, as most know, I’ve had to deal with A LOT of negative criticism and self-loathing over the years growing up. I still do deal with a lot of self-loathing and a desire to be more (or different, really.)

Sometimes I wonder what people really do think about me, because they’re actions seem to show some things. For example, recently a group of close friends here at school (one who is a VERY good friend of mine; some who are new students who I am not close with) decided to play a practical joke on me for an entire month. They somehow got the idea to make me think a particular individual was of a particular persuasion. So, for an entire month, they decided to screw with me. I of course fell right into the trap because the individual who was the pinnacle of the joke was someone I had only known for about a month or so. I had no reason to think otherwise, because I didn’t know the person very well. What other conclusion was I to come to? I barely knew this person. Come to find out a month later nearly 10 people were involved with this stupid prank they played on me, and they were finding joy and entertainment in my insecurity and ignorance. For a while I tried to shrug it off but I just haven’t been able to. In reality, it hurt. It cut deep because some of the people involved were my very close friends from school, and I thought they’d never act so foolishly with me. I feel like they pretty much decided that I was so insecure and unstable that I should be screwed with because they knew I’d believe this lie. How pathetic! What really hurts isn’t so much how or what they did, but the fact that they did it to me. Sometimes I wonder if people don’t understand that I’m a deeply emotionally scarred person who’s tired of having people be fake. I know that some people clearly didn’t know how emotionally insecure I can be, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. What hurts is the fact that they decide to screw with me, for a whole month. Was it a joke? Yes. Was it clever? Sure. Was it funny? I would probably laugh at it if it wasn‘t on me. I’ll give it to them that. It was creative and well structured, well planned and well orchestrated. But I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the idea of why they chose me, one of the most emotionally unstable people around, to mess with. I’ve tried letting it go, but I can’t let it go, because it now throws the legitimacy of friendships I’ve had into question. It’s brought back a lot of painful memories from my past unfortunately. It was hard to watch friends laugh at my ignorance. I tried to shrug it off but it’s stuck with me too long for some reason. Why is it always me that people have to find their comical pleasure in? Why is it always my emotions and faults that people find entertainment in? Can I take a joke? sure I can. Is it all in clean fun? sure. But what does that do to someone’s esteem when people always do it to one person. I try not to let things bother me, but in the long run I think that if something is drawn out than it will bother me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m like this little pawn that can be pulled around on a string like a puppet for the pleasure of people. I want people to take me seriously and have real respect. I’ve been screwed with a lot and I want to be able to live life with it. I feel like people need to acknowledge that we aren’t all perfect. We all have struggles, problems, questions, emotions, and we need to feel comfortable in our own skin. In the words of Byron Kehler, we are more alike than we are different. And if people realize that we all aren’t perfect, then we need to start talking about it and bringing it out in the open. We cannot grow in isolation. We were made for community.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional pain lately. Ben Thomas talked about living in community and being real and authentic with people at Multnomah during our all dorm meeting. He talked about being authentic and genuine about our brokenness. I’m an extremely broken person, and I haven’t been made whole yet. I will not be made whole until the day of Christ’s return. I realize that people are different and that we all have feelings, but I don’t understand why we feel we have to mask ourselves so well from others. Are we too afraid to be real with people?

What would happen if we went around being real with people to the point were we saw so much how broken we are that our cultural and personal and theological biases began to break down and we began to be a real community of people who love each other too much to let us fall and be hurt. What if we began to live as a body of Christ followers holding each other up in a communal fashion so that when we fall we won’t hit the bottom? I think that would bring about a lot of respect in the long run. I’m not saying we go around being jerks by telling them how much we disagree with them or that we reveal the deepest parts of our lives to EVERYONE, but I’m talking about not being afraid to speak your mind in an open fashion and not being afraid you’ll be ridiculed for it. To be able to trust and know that we are loved and valued and respected. I realize that confidentiality is a big part of being real because some things are way to personal for others to understand. But what if we were to live with no more skeleton’s in our closets? We have a strong desire to be right in this world, but I think we need to focus more on the fact that no one is right except Jesus. If we could do that, then would we see how much our universal need for Jesus is and then extend the love we have for each other to others? I think it’s something to think about. I know I could strongly benefit from a community like that.

Now, I’m not saying that the current community is bad. That’s definitely not the case. But I just think it could be so much better. So much more authentic. So much more decentralized and more communally focused. I think we could always strive to live for Christ NOW, better, stronger, livelier, and more aware.

learning to live, laugh, and love

this is my reflection paper from my Experiental Learning class at Multnomah. The class focuses on how we learn experientally and how to teach experientally, focusing more on human emotions and narrative stories rather than systematic exposition , conversation rather than lecture, engagement rather than disengagement. Paul Elmore and Byron Kehler facilitated the weekend at Agape Youth and Family Ministries Challenge Course in Mt. Hood, Oregon (near Gresham). It was a wonderful time of reflection, emotional recharge, heart break, and self discovery. I am posting this here because I want to let myself be seen. To expose who I really am and who I really desire to be.

The learning lab retreat weekend was, in my own words, the best heart break I’ve had in a long time. This weekend will definitely be one to remember as I have seen sides of my story come out of me that I never thought I’d let out. I always wanted to keep them cooped up inside, only sharing it with a select few people whom I “trusted.” Over the weekend it quickly became apparent that no one cared what baggage anyone had brought with them. All the pain, anxiety, questions, biases, and bitterness, no one cared about those things. We all wanted to be in a community of love and respect and grace. It was probably the most refreshing feeling I’ve ever witnessed.

Going into the weekend, I had some expectations of getting to know myself better. I wanted to be able to open myself up and to let people know what was really going on inside of me. Part of that happened when Paul asked the question “what are you bringing into the room?” What was it that we had preconceived ideas about that we wanted to shed? Friday night, Paul talked about realizing that we all live in a box. That box is our comfort zone, were we feel safe. Outside of the box is what feels uncomfortable. Where we feel vulnerable, it’s where we feel unhappy and where we feel exposed. It set the precedent to the weekend. I’ll admit that I had a serious issue of fear of failure, rejection, self image, and anxiety. I was afraid of failing someone. I was afraid of offending someone. I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings and not knowing it, and hence people start to dislike me because of it. Through years of painful turmoil, brokenness, question, health issues, and anxiety I have never been able to really flex my own muscles. My mind has been conditioned to believe the untrue. 6 years of destruction defense mechanisms have been trying and taxing
I also have a fear of life. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to survive on my own when there is no longer a community of people to surround me and support me. It seems like I cast a lot of care on other people, but that I don’t really trust myself a lot of the time. It’s a process I was hoping to work though during the weekend.

As the weekend began, I started to see where my faults lie and where I believed a lie. During the Multi-ropes course, my team that I was on didn’t make it across the line, and for a while I ultimately felt that it was my fault because I have neuromuscular disease and I felt that that had ultimately let them down. I was afraid of failure, because I have “seen” it so much in my own life. I have been told that I have failed people or that I will ultimately be a failure in life because of my own actions. Words have been uttered that were harsh, painful, destructive, and scarring.

It wasn’t until later that I began to really see inside of me. During the spider web, we essentially had to trust everyone to get us across the web safely and securely without touching the web. For me, trusting everyone to do that wasn’t that difficult, however when the topic of me trusting myself came up, I wasn’t able to do it. I immediately asked people to help me through it, because I didn’t believe I could do it on my own. Paul got some stuff out of me! I started to think about my life and how many times I’ve been “carried” in life. If I think about it, I’ve been carried a lot of my life and not been able to stand on my own feet. I became dependent on my parents to get me through stuff or to fix my problems and I need to step out of my box and feel around and try things out. To wrestle, question, think, and to flex my springs. It’s uncomfortable.

One of the biggest challenges was the buddy walk. We essentially leaned on each other, supporting our weight on each other and using the flex off two cables to move down the cables. What it turned into was a true learning experience. We essentially had to trust ourselves in order to succeed at it. I almost broke down because I have never had anyone lean on me. It’s a hurtful process because I don’t understand why. I have a lot of questions that I don’t really understand. People don’t trust me, understand me, try to correct me, or think I’m just wrong or an idiot. Part of that comes from messages I’ve been sent over the years. I’ve been conditioned to think that it’s my fault, when in reality, its peoples other problems and their real insecurities. Paul mentioned Friday night that in reality, we treat people the way we want them to treat us. We don’t ever really cater to people’s needs as much as we think we do. The reason why is that we all have personal intentions and ideas, so we tend to focus on those almost subconsciously and don’t really focus on the issues at hand.

That makes me wonder, are people treating me with genuine respect or do we are they trying to “win me over” to their “side” of things, as if to be a counterforce or something like that. I wonder what it would be like if I ever brought that to someone? “What if I told you that you’re really treating me the way you want me to treat you and are trying to cater to your own needs instead of mine.” they wouldn’t know what hit them. What happens when I start being real with people. What happens when I really do speak my mind and not just say some stuff to get on with the conversation. “How are you doing?” “Good.” In reality I’m thinking “I’m actually doing horrible, but I don’t want to share that with you because I don’t trust you, so I’m going to say I’m doing good in order to get this over with so I can go on with my day.” It’s hard to connect with people that way. In theory, am I not the one worth trusting or is this all just a big fluke in my mind. Who’s right and who’s wrong?

Sunday morning really began to prove that for me. It was the cat walk. I was suspended 25 feet in the air and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I shared with the group about how I’ve been conditioned to think I’m an idiot and not worth loving and completely incompetent. I know that’s not the truth, but in reality people tend to over spiritualize stuff and say really meaningless stuff like “god accepts you.” yes, that is true, but that doesn’t fix the problem at hand. That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like crap.

After that, I went up on the log and I began to step out in faith. The log really allowed me to put away a lot of those negative messages and it forced me to trust myself. I felt a huge burden because I kept wondering what people would see or think. Logan was facilitating, and he did a really good job at it too. I started to wonder, what happens when we realize we’re really afraid of something else? I remember one person was up there and Logan asked what he/she was afraid of. “What are you afraid of? Do you trust that the person belaying you will keep you safe? Do you trust that the rope will catch you if you fall? Do you trust that no one here will judge you if you do fall and that everyone accepts who you are?” “Yes.” “so than what are you really afraid of?” “I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I’m afraid I’m a failure. And I’m afraid to face the failure because of other’s perceptions of me.”

The weekend made me really wonder about things. I admit that I am afraid of people. I’m constantly judging what I say and if people are going to like me or question me or if I’m being a total jerk or not. It’s just seems to be a part of me in some sense. Is that what I’m really afraid of? Sure. I’m afraid of people. I don’t want to answer questions; I don’t want to talk with people because I’m afraid I might say something stupid, or “inappropriate” or hurtful or conceited. A lot of times, I think I come across really cocky, smart assed, and ignorant. It’s something I need to get rid of, but I don’t know how to do it. I wish I could just lay it down and never pick it up again. It hurts.

What happens when we begin to open ourselves up to the people around us? It feels uncomfortable, and it also feels freeing at some point. There’s a part of me that brings up the question of integrity. Are there any dangers to letting ourselves be seen by everyone else? What are the risks involved? Is there a limit to where we should go and not go?
I think in all, I’ll remember the words of Paul when he said “we have to become comfortable with letting ourselves been seen.” When we become vulnerable, we let others see us for who we really are. I’m tired of painting a fake face. I’m tired of screwing with people just to get away from them. I’m tired of running away. I want to feel genuine love. I want people to accept love from me. I want to feel the way I am. That sense of vulnerability brings all those things to the surface and lets us question, cry, wonder, scream, and generally live life. I think that’s how we are meant to live. Dependence, trust, fear, questions, depression, anxiety, and pain are all things that we live in. To deny them would be a lie. To live in them would be truth, and to overcome them would be victory.

peace and love to you,
jeremy

this is my life...the photo blog

this is the continuation of my first life story blog. I've decided to post photos of my birth and the tragic times in the hospital. you can read the first blog to get and idea if you haven't read that yet. it's called "this is my life." i was born, or arrived rather, on April 29th, 1986. 5 months early. i was originally due the 2nd week of August.




these are the fingers of my mother, and that is my hand, just days after i arrived.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy3.jpg


some have said this is looks like someone weeping over a loved one's casket...i can imagine it kind of looks like that, but certainly don't want it to resemble that. that is my mom.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy5.jpg


this is the incubator i was placed in in the intensive care unit at Kaiser hospital in Portland. i was in an incubator for about a month i think, not too sure.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy6.jpg


this is my dad holding me. i can't imagine what is going through his head at that moment. you can almost see it in his eyes.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/Dadholdingme.jpg


this is me after two weeks. my eyes had finally opened.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy1.jpg


i don't know who wrote this out, but i think it's pretty cool. those hand prints you see are mine. you should be able to read what the note says...Father's Day 1986.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremynote.jpg


this was the first time i wore actual clothes. they were specialy made premie clothes.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy2.jpg


this is from the day i was finally able to leave the hospital, September 15, 1986. i had spent a total of 5 months in the hospital. 1 week later i went back to the hospital, suffering from pneumonia.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/BabycardSept.15.jpg


this is me with my mom after i had finally made it home for good.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/Momholdingme.jpg


i wonder what i'm looking at? does this look like me?
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/167.jpg


look, i am smiling! :)
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/melookinguhh.jpg


this is me with my grandmother and brother. i actually look healthy.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/166.jpg

just a little slower than most....this is my life story, part 3

just a little slower than most…this is my life part story part iii.

This is the third installment of my life story, and quite possibly the one that is most current and relevant to my current situation.

All my life I’ve been slow. It has to do with being born pre-mature and almost dying. My brain and body developed the second half of it’s growth period outside of the womb and that of course caused potential problems for my cognitive and physical development. I didn’t develop at a normal pace because while other newborns while busy learning how to crawl and breast feed, I was in an Intensive Care Unit at the hospital, only weighing a few pounds (I weighed 12 pounds at 1 ½ years old!) and fighting to survive.

Now, growing up it was always that way. I didn’t go to pre-school until I was five years old. I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until I was about 8 or so. I didn’t know how to add or subtract until 2nd grade. I didn’t learn to read until I was 10 years old. I didn’t develop clear, legible handwriting until I was 12 or 13. And, Lord knows what else I achieved later than you’re average child. Because of my Muscular Dystrophy, I never took a liking to playing sports or much other physical activity (I apparently developed a love for music and the arts instead, I guess). Over the years of course, I learned to compensate and eventually ended up quite normal. My body and mind did develop, but differently. I believe my brain saw the weaknesses it possessed and compensated for the disabled parts. I grew with learning disabilities and even to this day have some limitations in my learning. You may notice that I may not respond or react to information or understand some things as clearly as other people. Here’s the answer. I’ll never know what it’s like to live a normal life because I was dealt a different hand. I truly am, like they say in Forrest Gump “just a little slower than most.”

For the past 4 years I’ve had a lot of trouble learning to drive a vehicle safely and effectively, and it‘s due to my disabilities. I’ve had to renew my driver’s permit numerous times! It’s been a real pain being in my 20s and not having my driver’s license! I’ve had people rag on me saying I was a lazy, ignorant moron because I can’t drive at 21. It’s been a stumbling block in my life because it’s severely limited my independence as a person. Having to be dependent on others for my need of transportation can really destroy one’s self esteem. In today’s culture, something as simple as a driver’s license can be quite debilitating. After years of struggling, I believe I finally have found some hope.

After a grueling two year waiting list, I was finally able to attend the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific on Oahu (the Island that has Honolulu and Waikiki beach, not where I live) to have my driving problems assessed by a professional occupational therapist. The response was this...


At the end of it all, the professional consensus was: (and I agree with it), I totally have the ability and potential to eventually drive, but right now, I do not have the capability to drive (and hence, get my driver's license) due my current conditions. The issue isn't with my muscular problems or my auditory response, but with my visual perception. The assessment revealed that my right side line of sight is not potentially functioning properly. What that essentially means is, when driving, I'm not aware for the most part of the area around my right hand side. After discussion, that conclusion makes a lot of sense! The exact report states “The client’s ability to process visual information required to react is delayed, causing poor timing…”

why?

The most accurate conclusion discovered was this: because I did not develop normally, I probably didn't develop the hand-eye coordination naturally that occurs with most people. My reaction to random, un-controlled actions is delayed and needs work. The bigger reason is because when i was born, my body was positioned on the left hand side because that‘s the direction that the oxygen ventilator was located on. While the doctor's tried to turn it over (my head), i would still look and turn my head to the left. At that early stage in development, it’s no surprise that my right line of sight became hindered, because the left side is what the brain knew as normal, so anything different wouldn‘t work for it, and it would hence force the left eye to work harder. Essentially, since i learned to do things a bit slower and at an older age than most people, it's no surprise to me that driving would be any different.

I have of course grown up and compensated problems i had in the past. That can happen with learning to drive, it's just going to take some time. At this point, I probably won't get my drivers license until I'm about 23 or 24, maybe 25 (more than likely after i graduate from college!).

The rehab therapist told me to work on my right side of my peripheral vision, and to force that eye to work and force my hand-eye coordination to develop for the following year at school, and then possibly return for a further assessment next year. They suggested things like Ping-pong (yes, I was told to play ping pong as treatment!) or even video games. (the idea of playing a Wii was even thrown out there, because you have to respond to random action!) They said I should sit on the left hand side of the class so I have to force myself to look to the right when a professor is lecturing. Anything I can do to force my entire vision field to open up and become WHOLE!

Is it a bummer that I can't get my license right now? Of course. Does it suck that I have to return to Hawaii every year and renew my permit? YEAH! But that's what i have to do. And I'd much rather be safe and comfortable driving than dead at 21 years old! I’ve done some research on people who were born premature and there driving abilities, and most of them have died in car accidents because they were not fully aware of their surroundings.

So, that's my deal, and I'll accept it and deal with it. I'll try to live my life to the best that God is and love others with it. That's all I can do. Getting my license, in my situation is a MAJOR issue, unfortunately! It sucks, yes, but that's just the way it is.

While I certainly do accept the conclusion given by the professionals, it throws my academic and future career plans into shambles. Not being able to drive at 21 years of age is a serious issue. Originally, I had planned to get my license over the summer and then eventually move off campus possibly in the fall of 2008. Eventually, I’d continue school on my own and move completely out of my home here in Hawaii. That was my plan, which sounds pretty normal right? But now, this assessment has forced me to have to rethink my future. I can’t stay in Oregon over the summers (because I have to fly to Hawaii to renew my driver’s permit), and I can’t drive in Oregon, which I had planned to do in the future! Most of all, this really throws off my future as it relates to my personal life. I do not want to end up being a dependent husband to my future wife! I can just imagine, at say 26 or 27 being like “Dear, I need to go to this office meeting..” “I need to go get this…” “I have an appointment here…CAN YOU DRIVE ME THERE?” That’s not what I envisioned at all and it makes me essentially dependent on someone else. I do not want to be that much of a hindrance to my girlfriend and wife. This is causing me to rethink my future plans in a major way, and essentially my life rests on it.

Understand that I am in no means using this as a means for me to get A LOT of free rides to places when we’re in school! There’s a good chance the state of Hawaii Department of Vocational Rehabilitation will pay for me to have a lifetime TRI-MET pass because I will not be able to transport myself places in Portland.

Why am I letting you all know this? Because this is a major issue in my life, and I feel that letting you wonderful people at Multnomah into my world is something I need to do in order to allow myself to be truly honest with who I am, and who God has made me to be.

raw, real, and authentic. this is my life part 2

6/16/07
There are many things in my life in which I haven’t necessarily understood or confronted. This is an attempt to be honest and real with you. This is what my conscience screams as I am on this journey called life.

I am revealing these things because I want to model true humility and Christ like character. I am bearing my soul for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

Emotional insecurity has been a demon in my life for years now. YES! YOU READ THAT RIGHT! I AM AN EMOTIONALLY INSECURE PERSON. This essentially developed out of childhood experiences. Let me explain briefly.

Because I was hospitalized and so sickly as a young child, my cognitive development did follow a natural pattern. A lot of the experiences a child has when this person is young I didn’t really have. You remember that awkward shyness you experienced as a child? Well for me, that never really left me. Instead of me growing out of it, it grew into me. As a young boy I was a chronically disabled, sickly kid, and so I had to go see A LOT of doctors. And, because my situation was so severe, even at older age like 5 or 6 years, I was not able to talk about my problems because I didn’t understand them. I just knew they were there and I couldn’t really explain them. This happened quite frequently and, naturally, I developed a dependence on my parents speaking in my place. The result? A shy, socially awkward, extremely QUIET person. I did not develop a lot of early childhood trait’s the same way kids do. I didn’t gain much speech assertiveness as other children do, but gained a strong sense of social awkwardness when engaging in conversation. Even the simple task of just saying “Hi” was difficult for me. For some reason my mind registered such social aspects as embarrassing and stupid, and I’m still trying to figure out why. I’m sure a lot of y’all have seen a lot it go down. I’m just not very normal sometimes. Some of the stuff I’ve said to people…embarrassing, inappropriate, awkward, and stupid!

As most you know, I was a social outcast in school (and even at church sometimes!) as a kid. I had no real friends and was teased a lot. From the intense emotional and verbal abuse I endured from the people around me at school, I developed a hatred of myself and my insecurities as a child began to be embedded into the latter part of my life.

For years, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, social speech assertiveness, self-image and esteem issues, self injury, social identity, and serious issues of addiction. And I still struggle with most of these issues today. I am a broken and bleeding person.

It has really only been in the last few months that I’ve finally realized that I say and do a lot of things just to get a reaction out of people. One reason is that I’ve always thought that I had to win people’s respect, love, and attention. I’m going to be honest with y’all and say that I’m a silent liar! Sometimes I’ll say that I did something simply out of the charity and goodness of my heart, when in reality I’m masking the fact that I really did it just because I wanted to see how someone would react. It’s me trying to “improve” myself because I have this fear that I’m not good enough. A wrong impression? Of course!

For the most part, this idea really rings true in my life (in my current life as well) with women. Why with women? For years I perceived a message that said that I was unattractive (physically, mentally, and spiritually). I’ve been told (literally in some cases) that I’m socially unattractive and do not deserve to be with a woman. Such an impression left a large scar in my life, and the wounds are steal healing.

In the past months, being at Multnomah has taught me to think for myself and to understand that I am the person God created to me to be. I have to reassure myself of that every day of my life.

While a lot of people may ask the question “why are you ‘dwelling’ on these things? You should forget all these past issues and move on with your life.” While such an idea sounds like a good philosophy, I find it to be problematic on some counts. A wise and knowledgeable person once said this to me:

“We can’t bury our feelings and emotions. We have to face our issues and be real with them. In order to understand our problems we must honest acknowledge that we have problems and how we feel about them. Acknowledge the fact that things hurt us and that they are real, genuine thought and emotions. We have to bring them to the surface and really ‘lay’ in the moment, acknowledging that something hurts and taking the time to grieve with the pain. Accepting Christ’s love and hope of the gospel does not mean we act like nothing ever happened to us. The hope of Christ comes in knowing we successfully deal with issues and be comfortable in having them and admitting them.” This has to be the best advice I have been given in a long time!

I remember about a week or so before classes ended, I was hanging out with my friend Rebecca. She had just finished reading my blog about my life story and my life trauma growing up. I asked her what she thought of it and what I was not prepared for was her response. “Even if I didn’t all of that stuff about you, I still would like you anyway…” At that moment, I think something immensely combustible went off inside of me. Here is a great friend, and a woman, who just literally said that she did not care about my past issues and problems, she was my friend because of the me that she already knew, and all the extra baggage didn’t matter. Now, it’s not that people haven’t said that to me before, but Rebecca was the first person to ever say it and literally have no bias or care about my past issues at all! All the social quirks and medical impediments didn’t matter to her. She liked me. The real me. The me that’s my spirit.

With most of my friendships (this applies to home, because I haven‘t known Multnomah people very long), I’ve had some sort of issue with them concerning issues I currently have or have dealt with in the past. It’s people like Rebecca who have helped me break through my insecurities and understand who I am. You people at Multnomah are that kind of people! Genuine, real, authentic, and “un-polished.”

I pray almost daily that God would continue to work on my heart and help to break out of this horrible lie I’ve been living with for so long.

To you wonderful people at Multnomah, I have a favor to ask. I want you people to push me! Stretch me outside of my parameters and make me think outside this box I’ve created for myself. Could you remind me that I’m loved and accepted just the way I am and that we all are the imago dei that He intended?

Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. We are all bleeding individuals, broken, and in need of love and forgiveness. It is something we are desperate for, and no one is an exception. It’s the message Jesus preached and the message that got him murdered. At the core of my heart is a passion to see the world change and bring heaven to earth. However, in order to change the world, I must first change myself. I am broken, but I am forgiven. The world lied to me and created a person which is not the true me, but a reflection of what the world wants to be. i am here to reflect christ, and not the world. this is the beginning of God change my life and to help me better myself, for his kindgom and for His Glory.

Peace and love to all,
jeremy

do you love me?

for the past few months, i've really brought into question my relationship with my family, my parents in particular. I'm not the first guy to verbally express emotion or feelings, because i grew up a shy, quiet, socially awkward individual. it's only been recently that i've been able to crack my shell of social awardness and really experience life. i can honestly say that in my 21 years on this earth, i have never once heard my father verbally say "i love you" and actually mean it sincerely. i'm actually ok with it, because i've grown used to it i guess.

this past sunday things seemed to be different in a way i was not expecting, and am really still processing. this past sunday my pastor preached a sermon on what makes strong men. At the end of his message, the pastor ask the congregation to go and find a man and lay hands on him as he prayed for the men of our church and for God's provision in thier life. To my surprise, not expecting it at all, my father stood up and came and sat down next to me and put his arm around me as we prayed together. He didn't saying anything after the prayer was over, but in that moment, i experienced God more than i have in the passed year. i felt the love that God had bestowed on my family and in that moment, all of the disagreements and issues surrounding my families life at that moment seemed to dissapear, because at that moment it was only God speaking directly to me.

What my father felt in that moment I'm not sure. Whether he did it because he meant it or because he simply was asked to by our pastor, i'm not sure. all i know is that God is living and active in the most surprising, yet profound areas of life. i think in that moment, my dad said "i love you." While it may not have been your usual verbal affirmation, it was still a clear as always to anyone who saw us in that moment.

peace and love tot all,
jeremy

we are not called to hate

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home." - jamie tworkowski

If we say we love God yet hate a brother or sister, we are liars. For if we do not love a fellow believer, whom we have seen, we cannot love God, whom we have not seen. And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love one another. - 1 john 4:20-21

Jesus doesn't call us to be haters, killers, violent savages, and exploiters...the question is then, why are we doing it?

we say that we love everyone like Christ does, but...

we treat someone struggling with homosexuality as if they aren't human, not allowing them into the church, and treating them much differently from other "straight" people. The same goes for someone who is a prostitute, porn star, or sex worker.

we shy away when someone is chronically disabled (wheelchair bound, autism, retardation, cebral palsy, etc.), we think that it's because of a particular sin of their parents or themselves, because they have not been "healed."

we find out a pastor or church leader is struggling with sin, and we push him/her away, saying they are supposed to be held to a "higher standard", when no one within the church or otherwise helped them stay accountable for thier actions, or even considered the fact that they are human and will have sin nature as well. (I'm convinced the reason that Ted Haggard struggled for 3 years is because he did not have a stategic plan of accountability, and he did not feel comfortable sharing his stuggles with his contemporaries and/or family)

we tell someone who is not a follower of Christ that they are worthless and that we need to "fix them" because they are going to suffer in hell, when in reality it comes off as a really cocky, "we're better than you" mentality.

we claim the reason for not helping the poor and oppressed is because it is "their fault" that they are that way.

we put ourselves in boxes, staying away from the "world", thinking they are "unsavable" or that "they will come to us."

To me it's shocking, because I know that in the Bible:

God used a known prostitute to save the Israelites (Josh 2:1)

Jesus did not condemn a woman caught in adultery (John 8:11)

God used physical suffering without earthly resolve for his Glory (2 Corinthians 12, Job)

Paul admitted that he was actively struggling with sin, but still preached agianst it and acknowledged it's wrong (Romans 7-8)

Jesus never rebuked or expressed hatred toward anyone during his life and ministry, and died for everyone and everything. His love is true love( Romans 5:8; 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Jesus proclaims that we will always have the poor with us (John 12:8) and that we should care for the poor no matter what (Luke 14:13).

Jesus teaches that we cannot love just the people we are comfortable with, we have to get our hands dirty and go to them (Matthew 5:45-47)


I find myself struggling with these issues all the time, if not daily. It hurts to know that i am such a selfish person, and i am trying to die to myself and live souly for God, the problem is that in our 20th century Americanized Christianity, we have stripped the teachings of Jesus of thier raw essence, and tweaked them to support our own selfish ideas and philosophies. One of the best quotes i ever heard about the reality of the gospel is buy a very learned man named John Perkins "We cannot change people and then expect to love them. Our love for them must change thier lives."

That is a maxim that i am desperately trying to live my life by. Growing with almost the exact opposite mindset doesn't help me, but it's a process i am trying to work through. death brings life. weakness is strength, and unity is faith.

peace and love,
jeremy

brotherly love?

brotherly love
Current mood: confused

tonight i was taken back by a spiritual experience I'v never felt before. Tonight we had a party for my brother Nathan's graduation from Multnomah. The party went good, and I was enjoying the company. and then it happened.

My parents I guess peparped a DVD video chronicling my brothers life from birth until now. It was nice and i was looking back at all our memories as kids together. What was i was not expecting was what came next...

The song "the line between the two" was playing by Mark Harris in the video, and listening to the lyrics and watching the film, I started to tear up.

Now, it's not those "I'm gonna try and cry to make it look all emotional". These were real authentic tears, deep from within my heart, i was weeping inside, and i honestly don't know why. I've only ever experienced tears like this once before in my life, and that was when my grandparents passed away, and one other instance in life which would be to long to write about here. I'm not one to cry very much. I'm just not wired that way emotionally. I write, I think, I conceive, I ponder. Music is my form of expression! But for some reason, these tears came, and they came naturally and authentically. It was raw, real, and devout. This was true, and it was beautiful.

was it out of love for my family? Was God finally working on my heart and seeing that my relationship with my brother was not the best? I don't know. All I know is that i felt the Spirit of God upon me at that moment. Was it convicting? Sure. But I'd rather know what it all meant. It's a deep theological struggle within to find why this happened and what it means... it's a big question mark in my mind right now.

is it supposed to be this way

is it supposed to be this way?


my first year at multnomah is over...and, i feel really weird. to be 100% honest, while most people are counting down the days until they will be home and away from school, i honestly don't want to go home!

that's right...you heard correctly...i don't want to go home.


why? well, i'm 21 and have found a real sense of individuality here at Multnomah, and am beginning that psychological stage where I leave my parents' grip, so to speak. and there are reasons i don't really want to go home...

is Multnomah the reason? Sort of. There have been profs. at multnomah who have really challenged me and encouraged me to think outside the "box" of Evangelicism and have really pushed me to thing about things and question them. A lot of my friends have done that too (you all know who you are, and i'm greatful for each of you!)

is it home? sadly, yes...i've grown up with two or three best friends my whole life. It's always been that way for some reason. Well, my best friend since elementary school is going to be away at his families vacation house for the summer in Michigan (He also goes to school there), and then there are other friends who have moved on with thier lives. Friends that i haven't seen in a long time, and friends that aren't going down the right path. Honestly, what is left...few. very few.
more notably, being on a secluded island in a city of less than 50K and practically NOTHING to do...it leaves me lifeless...waisting time, and not being productive.

on top of that, I'm planning to do summer ministry for ministry credit at home either with my church or with a local christian school in my town. i'm not sure which i'm going to do yet, to be honest, the only reason I'm really doing it is to get the required ministry credit. i honestly don't feel the desire to do it convictingly. Hence, i'm not so sure it will be really fulfilling at may "sound." am i being a fake christian who's not really seeing the right side of things, i don't know?

in reality,
i feel like i'm leaving a home. i love portland. i love multnomah. and i love all you wonderful people.

i feel like i'm in this broken state that cannot be fixed, because i'm not so sure what's broken, yet.

honestly, looking at life right now, i see a big question mark ?


i don't know what i'm doing, or am going to do. when i leave here for 3 months, it will be a strange time, and when i get back, i'll be back to a place i know is "real"....i don't know. am i supposed to feel this way...is it supposed to feel like i'm losing a close friend?

this is who i am

My life story

This is my life story, about who I am, where I came from, and what I am about. Let us not waste any time. I was born April 29th, 1986 in Portland, Oregon. I was born 22 ½ weeks pre-mature, weighing only 1lb. 6 oz. I couldn’t breathe on my own, was on a ventilator, and my eyes were fused shut. If I could post pictures of it I certainly would, and I may do so later on, but right now I don’t have any baby pictures with me. I was miniscule, tiny, petite, and didn’t seem to have hope of surviving. The doctors handed me into my mother’s arms saying, “we will let you hold him when he dies.” her response was a stern rejection, proclaiming that if God wants to take me, he will do so, but as long as my body is on this earth, everything shall be done within human power to save my life!
At that, the doctors went to it. I was hooked up to a crap load of machines that would now probably look like an old Atari game system. I had tubes coming out of my body, I.V.’s everywhere. It was like a scene from a scary movie sort of…or maybe like something from E.R. or House. After two weeks my eyes opened and I was introduced to the world. I was in the hospital for a total of 8 months from the day I was born. My parents often got calls in the middle of the night from the day I was born saying that I wasn’t going to make it through the night. They spent countless hours at my bedside praying for God’s healing power and protection. And then I was finally able to go home…for some time. I was soon back in the hospital time after time with pneumonia in my lungs…calls would come in from the hospital, saying I was on my death bed…still, prayers lifted up from friends and family around the country. They came from everywhere from Hawaii to Indiana to New York. Never once did my parents and grandparents lose faith in God. Jesus was their rock.
While I was home, I was put on 24 hour ventilation monitoring (In case I accidentally stopped breathing) and had a gigantic baby monitor that was on 24/7. Then it seemed to die down a bit…for the next two years, I spent days in physical therapy trying to get my tiny body to function and develop as normally as possible…it was determined that I had a neuromuscular condition that to this day is unknown in it‘s origin (for the most part, it appears to be Muscular Dystrophy.) If you see me around campus walking kind of limp, or slow, it’s because my body tires out a lot faster than you’re average male. Because of this problem I was not at all athletic in my school years. It was most notably these situations that spawned my love for art, music, poetry, reading, and writing!
In 1992 my parents felt called to adopt children from the ravaged orphanages in Romania. Tens upon thousands of Gypsy babies were cram packed in orphanages and being left for dead…my parents went and, long story short, came back with two 9 month old twin girls, whom we named Ruth (after my grandmother) and Joy (I’m not sure to this day why that name came about). It turns out, that the girls were diagnosed with mild to severe autism.
Now, let’s just say that the State of Hawaii DOE isn’t exactly what it should be (if you Google “Hawaii public school problems”, you’ll see what I mean.) I was the kid who was teased, harassed, picked- on, and degraded; and I had no friends. I had a serious lack of community with friends. I remember in 4th grade the entire class called me gay! I was psychologically destroyed, conditioned to believe I was worthless, ugly, un-attractive, and stupid. I would come to school in the morning and the kids would say (pretty much everyday) “why did you have to come to school today, you’re so stupid, you should just say home!” Ouch! That was a scar size extra large! Depression and anxiety were embedded deep within me!
When I finally got out of public school, I found true friends…well, I had 1. It was there, when I was 12 that I met my best friend Ian Grotenhuis. Now, I’m the kind of guy who grew up having only two or 3 best friends my whole life, and that’s it. I was never a popular kid. I still was teased and taunted, picked on for being “different.” But I knew Ian was there. We shared laughs and memories and to this day we can recall almost anything that happened over those few years. I went through a lot in private school. And then high school reared its ugly head at me. I was 16 going on 17 and only a high school freshman. There were some ups and downs…rivalries, disownments, mistakes that I watched my friends make, that I disapproved of, but they didn’t seem to care about my opinion… after my freshman year, sophomore year didn’t prove to be any better. I went through a serious bout of depression and was involved with cutting. Friends turned their backs and totally stabbed me in the back and I was scarred by the leadership (some of them teachers) who thought they were better than everyone else. The events that year was what made me decide to leave school and attend community college.
It was in the summer of 2004 that my life was changed forever…I was on my way with my 7 best friends to SpringHill Camps in Michigan to be a part of their high school program called TST (Teen Service Team). My world was changed upside down by God’s grace. TST teams are divided into teams of 30 teens that do work around the camp all the way from maintenance to accommodations work to construction…it’s a student work service program…high schoolers would come for 2 weeks at a time and be placed on a team of 25 teens (co-ed), with 5 counselors. I was pumped and super excited that God was gonna rock out! For months prior to the trip I had been praying that God would use me in amazing ways on this trip. But things ended up changing…when we arrived at the camp (which is a total of 810 acre’s with nearly 800 staff members and about 2000 campers enrolled each week, from 1st grade through High School!) we figured out that I was some how put on a separate team away from ALL of my friends. We were originally supposed to be together, but apparently God had other plans. I was put on a separate team because of my health conditions. Being the socially anxious, shy person that I was, I freaked! I literally probably felt the worse I’ve ever felt in my life that day! I was a wreck! I figured, “This is not what I paid for, and this is not going to help me!” I thought I was bound for failure…but God had other plans…the first few days were rough, but after the first week; I realized that I was really having the best time of my life!!! God rocked out like crazy! I met the nicest, most sincere friends I have ever met in my entire life, whom I still keep in contact with to this day! God broke my heart, and allowed me to see what He can do in any situations if I only trust Him…My team leader, Krista, became one of my heroes in life, because she wanted so bad for me to feel welcomed, loved, accepted, and a part of the team. She knew I had problems, and was SOULY committed to helping overcome my fears!!! And she did! She went out of here way to make me feel accepted, and the other people did too!!! I remember when a girl named Courtney talked to me constantly about Hawaii (and I’ll be honest, that was a big hit with everyone “he’s from Hawaii, he’s so COOL!!!”) and about life…she really tried hard to crack my shell, and she did! By the last night of campfires, I shared with everyone how God had shown me how to succeed on my own and how I am loved by Him. Tears rolled down my face as I expressed how much I had fallen in love with SpringHill! That final day was probably one of the hardest days of my life!
It is by God’s provision that I’ve gone back to work at SpringHill Camps for the past two summers as Summer Staff and I am planning to go back their again and work with them full time. This past summer I was blessed enough to see Krista walk down the aisle and get married! SpringHill is why I’m majoring in youth ministry! I’ve never experienced community anywhere else like I have at SpringHill. No offense guys, but I’ll even go as far to say that SpringHill focuses on community stronger than Multnomah does! (Now, that’s a bold statement!) Although I’m sure it depends on one’s own experience. Multnomah is still were I want to be and it is probably the most loving, community focused school I have ever been at.
Today, I still am wrestling with a lot of personal issues in my life that will take years to overcome, but God has been faithful. I have been immensely blessed and will continue to seek God wherever His truth manifests itself. This is my life story! God is love.