raw, real, and authentic. this is my life part 2

6/16/07
There are many things in my life in which I haven’t necessarily understood or confronted. This is an attempt to be honest and real with you. This is what my conscience screams as I am on this journey called life.

I am revealing these things because I want to model true humility and Christ like character. I am bearing my soul for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

Emotional insecurity has been a demon in my life for years now. YES! YOU READ THAT RIGHT! I AM AN EMOTIONALLY INSECURE PERSON. This essentially developed out of childhood experiences. Let me explain briefly.

Because I was hospitalized and so sickly as a young child, my cognitive development did follow a natural pattern. A lot of the experiences a child has when this person is young I didn’t really have. You remember that awkward shyness you experienced as a child? Well for me, that never really left me. Instead of me growing out of it, it grew into me. As a young boy I was a chronically disabled, sickly kid, and so I had to go see A LOT of doctors. And, because my situation was so severe, even at older age like 5 or 6 years, I was not able to talk about my problems because I didn’t understand them. I just knew they were there and I couldn’t really explain them. This happened quite frequently and, naturally, I developed a dependence on my parents speaking in my place. The result? A shy, socially awkward, extremely QUIET person. I did not develop a lot of early childhood trait’s the same way kids do. I didn’t gain much speech assertiveness as other children do, but gained a strong sense of social awkwardness when engaging in conversation. Even the simple task of just saying “Hi” was difficult for me. For some reason my mind registered such social aspects as embarrassing and stupid, and I’m still trying to figure out why. I’m sure a lot of y’all have seen a lot it go down. I’m just not very normal sometimes. Some of the stuff I’ve said to people…embarrassing, inappropriate, awkward, and stupid!

As most you know, I was a social outcast in school (and even at church sometimes!) as a kid. I had no real friends and was teased a lot. From the intense emotional and verbal abuse I endured from the people around me at school, I developed a hatred of myself and my insecurities as a child began to be embedded into the latter part of my life.

For years, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, social speech assertiveness, self-image and esteem issues, self injury, social identity, and serious issues of addiction. And I still struggle with most of these issues today. I am a broken and bleeding person.

It has really only been in the last few months that I’ve finally realized that I say and do a lot of things just to get a reaction out of people. One reason is that I’ve always thought that I had to win people’s respect, love, and attention. I’m going to be honest with y’all and say that I’m a silent liar! Sometimes I’ll say that I did something simply out of the charity and goodness of my heart, when in reality I’m masking the fact that I really did it just because I wanted to see how someone would react. It’s me trying to “improve” myself because I have this fear that I’m not good enough. A wrong impression? Of course!

For the most part, this idea really rings true in my life (in my current life as well) with women. Why with women? For years I perceived a message that said that I was unattractive (physically, mentally, and spiritually). I’ve been told (literally in some cases) that I’m socially unattractive and do not deserve to be with a woman. Such an impression left a large scar in my life, and the wounds are steal healing.

In the past months, being at Multnomah has taught me to think for myself and to understand that I am the person God created to me to be. I have to reassure myself of that every day of my life.

While a lot of people may ask the question “why are you ‘dwelling’ on these things? You should forget all these past issues and move on with your life.” While such an idea sounds like a good philosophy, I find it to be problematic on some counts. A wise and knowledgeable person once said this to me:

“We can’t bury our feelings and emotions. We have to face our issues and be real with them. In order to understand our problems we must honest acknowledge that we have problems and how we feel about them. Acknowledge the fact that things hurt us and that they are real, genuine thought and emotions. We have to bring them to the surface and really ‘lay’ in the moment, acknowledging that something hurts and taking the time to grieve with the pain. Accepting Christ’s love and hope of the gospel does not mean we act like nothing ever happened to us. The hope of Christ comes in knowing we successfully deal with issues and be comfortable in having them and admitting them.” This has to be the best advice I have been given in a long time!

I remember about a week or so before classes ended, I was hanging out with my friend Rebecca. She had just finished reading my blog about my life story and my life trauma growing up. I asked her what she thought of it and what I was not prepared for was her response. “Even if I didn’t all of that stuff about you, I still would like you anyway…” At that moment, I think something immensely combustible went off inside of me. Here is a great friend, and a woman, who just literally said that she did not care about my past issues and problems, she was my friend because of the me that she already knew, and all the extra baggage didn’t matter. Now, it’s not that people haven’t said that to me before, but Rebecca was the first person to ever say it and literally have no bias or care about my past issues at all! All the social quirks and medical impediments didn’t matter to her. She liked me. The real me. The me that’s my spirit.

With most of my friendships (this applies to home, because I haven‘t known Multnomah people very long), I’ve had some sort of issue with them concerning issues I currently have or have dealt with in the past. It’s people like Rebecca who have helped me break through my insecurities and understand who I am. You people at Multnomah are that kind of people! Genuine, real, authentic, and “un-polished.”

I pray almost daily that God would continue to work on my heart and help to break out of this horrible lie I’ve been living with for so long.

To you wonderful people at Multnomah, I have a favor to ask. I want you people to push me! Stretch me outside of my parameters and make me think outside this box I’ve created for myself. Could you remind me that I’m loved and accepted just the way I am and that we all are the imago dei that He intended?

Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. We are all bleeding individuals, broken, and in need of love and forgiveness. It is something we are desperate for, and no one is an exception. It’s the message Jesus preached and the message that got him murdered. At the core of my heart is a passion to see the world change and bring heaven to earth. However, in order to change the world, I must first change myself. I am broken, but I am forgiven. The world lied to me and created a person which is not the true me, but a reflection of what the world wants to be. i am here to reflect christ, and not the world. this is the beginning of God change my life and to help me better myself, for his kindgom and for His Glory.

Peace and love to all,
jeremy