is it supposed to be this way

is it supposed to be this way?


my first year at multnomah is over...and, i feel really weird. to be 100% honest, while most people are counting down the days until they will be home and away from school, i honestly don't want to go home!

that's right...you heard correctly...i don't want to go home.


why? well, i'm 21 and have found a real sense of individuality here at Multnomah, and am beginning that psychological stage where I leave my parents' grip, so to speak. and there are reasons i don't really want to go home...

is Multnomah the reason? Sort of. There have been profs. at multnomah who have really challenged me and encouraged me to think outside the "box" of Evangelicism and have really pushed me to thing about things and question them. A lot of my friends have done that too (you all know who you are, and i'm greatful for each of you!)

is it home? sadly, yes...i've grown up with two or three best friends my whole life. It's always been that way for some reason. Well, my best friend since elementary school is going to be away at his families vacation house for the summer in Michigan (He also goes to school there), and then there are other friends who have moved on with thier lives. Friends that i haven't seen in a long time, and friends that aren't going down the right path. Honestly, what is left...few. very few.
more notably, being on a secluded island in a city of less than 50K and practically NOTHING to do...it leaves me lifeless...waisting time, and not being productive.

on top of that, I'm planning to do summer ministry for ministry credit at home either with my church or with a local christian school in my town. i'm not sure which i'm going to do yet, to be honest, the only reason I'm really doing it is to get the required ministry credit. i honestly don't feel the desire to do it convictingly. Hence, i'm not so sure it will be really fulfilling at may "sound." am i being a fake christian who's not really seeing the right side of things, i don't know?

in reality,
i feel like i'm leaving a home. i love portland. i love multnomah. and i love all you wonderful people.

i feel like i'm in this broken state that cannot be fixed, because i'm not so sure what's broken, yet.

honestly, looking at life right now, i see a big question mark ?


i don't know what i'm doing, or am going to do. when i leave here for 3 months, it will be a strange time, and when i get back, i'll be back to a place i know is "real"....i don't know. am i supposed to feel this way...is it supposed to feel like i'm losing a close friend?