Kicking and Screaming

DISCLAIMER: I APOLOGIZE FOR MY USE OF STRONG LANGUAGE HOWEVER I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY TO EXPRESS MYSELF PROPERLY AT THIS TIME.

Nature's first green is gold.

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leaf's a flower

But only so an hour

Then leaf subsides to leaf

So Eden sank to grief

So dawn goes down to day

Nothing gold can stay.

- Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost

This is something I’ve needed to vent for quite some time.

Nothing gold can stay. That feels like my life right at this very moment. Nothing is what life is. I’m not someone who has had an easy life, and I’ve pulled through some of the toughest times I can think of. But now I find little value in the answers that mindless culture and religion try to offer. There’s a lot I could say about my life, but here’s a quick history lesson.

- I have a lot of chronic health problems from being born 4 months early, 23 weeks premature April 29, 1986. I have a chronic neuro-muscular condition which basically means that I cannot run a whole lot or walk very far or do a lot of strenuous activities without getting immensely fatigued. I had learning disabilities growing up and was "just a little slower than most", to quote Radio. I have issues with insomnia and have struggled with my weight. You can read more about all of this here.

- Because I was a preemie, I've been a social disgust to my family and friends (this can explain some of it) I've suffered from clinical depression for nearly the past 10 years and even contemplated suicide at one point.

Through years of talk therapy and proper use of medication I have emerged a strong fighter with the hope of success. I still struggle with depression and I struggle with literally not pissing people off or offending them because I don't have the "filter" other people have, or at least that's what people have said about me.

Currently my life at this point in time is nothing to praise. I'm going to graduate from college in less than a year and I’m scared shitless! I've never really had a real job. The closest I've come to having a real job was doing custodial work on my campus (for some extra cash) and being a camp counselor. Both were legitimate positions with W4's and all that, but, I'm honesty scared to death about the future because I've never done stuff like rented an apartment and supported myself. I've never had a livable income and to be honest, in the most general sense of the term, "I still live with my parents."

I’m 23 and have never had a girl be interested in me and wonder and worry if I am ever going to marry. My social quirks and “issues” put me in quite a low position when it comes to the women factor. However, because God created me to seek emotional intimacy with a female, sometimes my stomach will LITERALLY feel pain and anxiety when I think about my future and the possibility of having a wife and family. My hopes get crushed. I want to have confidence, but I honestly just don’t know where to get it because it seems as if this world would rather lock me up and throw away the key, keeping me from “harming society” so to speak.

When it comes to success and the future, what I've noticed is that society looks for top notch people and I am certainly not one of those! With my disabilities I'm not the first person people want to hire for a job. I've noticed a lot of resume's have awards and honors people have received, and most people have some type of distinguished achievements. I have none of that! I'm an average student who is probably going to graduate with a 2.5 GPA and have ZERO awards or achievements. To be honest, my resume' really will look like shit and I'm afraid I'll end up one of those 30 year old mooches who is single and lives with his mother!

My parents keep on hounding me to make something of myself. They keep saying that I'm not showing them that I have the ability and skills to live on my own and survive! They have expectations of me that I haven't even considered yet, though I am fucking senior in college. Every time I go home for the holidays or summer or when we talk on the phone, my mom always says "have you thought about a job yet?" when in reality I'm just trying to survive that day. In reality, I feel like I'm running out of hope, and my parents are the only people who I really have who can support me in every way. I feel hopeless, like I want to walk of the face of this planet and go lovingly into the arms of Jesus and not have to worry anymore. My mother speaks constantly how she’s worried I won’t have a job and won’t be able to support myself! And when it comes down to it, comments like that don’t necessarily raise my hopes of succeeding in life. It makes me want to curl up and die, because it seems like I’m never going to be anywhere. In my entire life, I have ALWAYS felt like I’m only second best. I’m like that player who is benched and only put in the game when no one else is left to play. That back up guy who isn’t really needed, but is there just in case everything else fails.

With that I find myself asking the age old question? What is life for? Now, I know the answer is that we are to love God and love others, thereby advancing His kingdom on earth until He returns, at which He will judge the living and the dead, finally restoring His Kingdom. God seeks to restore all things in Heaven and on earth unto himself, through the blood sacrifice of his only son Jesus Christ. This restoration comes by the eternal life given to all who accept God’s free gift of salvation, grace offered to them eternally and unconditionally. I understand that my purpose is to advance the Kingdom of God and bring Him glory by his unconditional, never-ending love. But I’m beginning to feel like my work in His Kingdom is really not worth completing because there are several people who are so much more capable of advancing the Kingdom of God than I am. Hell, I can barely support myself and have no real hope for a future. I often wonder why I was delt this hand in life. Why am I always second best, never good enough to be first?

I will say that there a people who have greatly encouraged and supported me and have given me a splinter of hope in this messed up world. These are the people who have stuck by me or who have mentored me in ways I cannot explain. The efforts and encouragement are greatly appreciated and I want to say that Thank You and that I love you.

But that ever-so-destructive thought of continued failure, of only being second best, and of not succeeding grips the inner parts of my soul and eats me alive. I pray God has mercy on my tortured soul!

Grace and Peace to you,
jeremy