broken, unsure, false, and insecure

This is the first time I’ve written anything in nearly 6 months...Multnomah has taken up a lot of time. The first half of the semester is over and I’m now able to work on some writing. This is really just a springboard for me to get back into the blog world as I have been in hiding for so long.

I’ve had some serious down falls in my life these past few months. Stuff that I have kept at bay and haven’t really let out. Now, you may be asking yourself “what hasn’t been let out?” because in the last few blogs I’ve been to open and honest and real with everything in my life that it seems like I’m an open book person. But alas, I still have many secrets and skeletons that grace the space behind the door of my closet.

I’ve had a lot of questions concerning the legitimacy of some relationships (note the “some”, not ALL.) I’ve gone to bed almost every night with a emotional pain inside of me, desiring truth and authenticity and grace and acceptance. I’ve had several questions about the reality of life, God, and the future. I’ll give a real reason why. First all, as most know, I’ve had to deal with A LOT of negative criticism and self-loathing over the years growing up. I still do deal with a lot of self-loathing and a desire to be more (or different, really.)

Sometimes I wonder what people really do think about me, because they’re actions seem to show some things. For example, recently a group of close friends here at school (one who is a VERY good friend of mine; some who are new students who I am not close with) decided to play a practical joke on me for an entire month. They somehow got the idea to make me think a particular individual was of a particular persuasion. So, for an entire month, they decided to screw with me. I of course fell right into the trap because the individual who was the pinnacle of the joke was someone I had only known for about a month or so. I had no reason to think otherwise, because I didn’t know the person very well. What other conclusion was I to come to? I barely knew this person. Come to find out a month later nearly 10 people were involved with this stupid prank they played on me, and they were finding joy and entertainment in my insecurity and ignorance. For a while I tried to shrug it off but I just haven’t been able to. In reality, it hurt. It cut deep because some of the people involved were my very close friends from school, and I thought they’d never act so foolishly with me. I feel like they pretty much decided that I was so insecure and unstable that I should be screwed with because they knew I’d believe this lie. How pathetic! What really hurts isn’t so much how or what they did, but the fact that they did it to me. Sometimes I wonder if people don’t understand that I’m a deeply emotionally scarred person who’s tired of having people be fake. I know that some people clearly didn’t know how emotionally insecure I can be, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. What hurts is the fact that they decide to screw with me, for a whole month. Was it a joke? Yes. Was it clever? Sure. Was it funny? I would probably laugh at it if it wasn‘t on me. I’ll give it to them that. It was creative and well structured, well planned and well orchestrated. But I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the idea of why they chose me, one of the most emotionally unstable people around, to mess with. I’ve tried letting it go, but I can’t let it go, because it now throws the legitimacy of friendships I’ve had into question. It’s brought back a lot of painful memories from my past unfortunately. It was hard to watch friends laugh at my ignorance. I tried to shrug it off but it’s stuck with me too long for some reason. Why is it always me that people have to find their comical pleasure in? Why is it always my emotions and faults that people find entertainment in? Can I take a joke? sure I can. Is it all in clean fun? sure. But what does that do to someone’s esteem when people always do it to one person. I try not to let things bother me, but in the long run I think that if something is drawn out than it will bother me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m like this little pawn that can be pulled around on a string like a puppet for the pleasure of people. I want people to take me seriously and have real respect. I’ve been screwed with a lot and I want to be able to live life with it. I feel like people need to acknowledge that we aren’t all perfect. We all have struggles, problems, questions, emotions, and we need to feel comfortable in our own skin. In the words of Byron Kehler, we are more alike than we are different. And if people realize that we all aren’t perfect, then we need to start talking about it and bringing it out in the open. We cannot grow in isolation. We were made for community.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional pain lately. Ben Thomas talked about living in community and being real and authentic with people at Multnomah during our all dorm meeting. He talked about being authentic and genuine about our brokenness. I’m an extremely broken person, and I haven’t been made whole yet. I will not be made whole until the day of Christ’s return. I realize that people are different and that we all have feelings, but I don’t understand why we feel we have to mask ourselves so well from others. Are we too afraid to be real with people?

What would happen if we went around being real with people to the point were we saw so much how broken we are that our cultural and personal and theological biases began to break down and we began to be a real community of people who love each other too much to let us fall and be hurt. What if we began to live as a body of Christ followers holding each other up in a communal fashion so that when we fall we won’t hit the bottom? I think that would bring about a lot of respect in the long run. I’m not saying we go around being jerks by telling them how much we disagree with them or that we reveal the deepest parts of our lives to EVERYONE, but I’m talking about not being afraid to speak your mind in an open fashion and not being afraid you’ll be ridiculed for it. To be able to trust and know that we are loved and valued and respected. I realize that confidentiality is a big part of being real because some things are way to personal for others to understand. But what if we were to live with no more skeleton’s in our closets? We have a strong desire to be right in this world, but I think we need to focus more on the fact that no one is right except Jesus. If we could do that, then would we see how much our universal need for Jesus is and then extend the love we have for each other to others? I think it’s something to think about. I know I could strongly benefit from a community like that.

Now, I’m not saying that the current community is bad. That’s definitely not the case. But I just think it could be so much better. So much more authentic. So much more decentralized and more communally focused. I think we could always strive to live for Christ NOW, better, stronger, livelier, and more aware.