Enough is enough…time to face the truth. this is my life part 5

This is probably one of the hardest blogs I will ever write. Of all of them, this one probably hits the closest to home. This blog is really 15-17 years in the making, because it involves the most intimate parts of my relationship with my family. However, it comes with a current context.

Let me put a few things in perspective. This summer I am hoping to take 2 online courses (English 204 – fulfills advanced writing requirement, MUS101- fulfills Fine Arts requirement) that will significantly lighten my load here at Multnomah. I was advised by several individuals and faculty members to take both these courses online over the summer. The problem is it costs 2000 dollars, and I don’t have that kind of money. Now, to put this in perspective, my parents are running low on income because my families medical and utilities bill went up a mere 47% in the last 4-5 months, no doubt its because of this war recession this country is in. So, my family is almost flat broke. Also, I am planning to go on this missions trip to Mississippi for a week after school gets out that is going to cost around $700. I need 2700 dollars for the summer for school. I have no way of getting a job and I already applied on campus and all the positions were filled. I am flat broke as well. In short, I am going to need to rely on God for those 2700 dollars to get me through school and this trip and the summer. One of the main reasons I want to go on this mission trip is not just for the experience but for ministry credit as well.

Last night around 8PM I called home to tell my parents to email some addresses so I could send out support letters for this mission trip. What ended up happening a stern lecture from my parents about how they don’t have any money for school or support (I could get SOME money from FAFSA, but not enough to cover entire cost.)

My older brother Nate is getting married in the middle of July and my family and I are coming to Portland for the wedding this summer. Because of wedding expenses and the high cost of living now threatening my family, our finances are a wreck!

As the Lord would have it, last night we had a community praise/worship and prayer thing on campus last night for about 3 hours or so. The idea was to focus on praising God through all things, but what really convicted me wasn’t so much about my need of praising God, but my need for dependence on God.

This is the first time in my life that I’ve really felt a sure strong dependence entirely on God’s grace in my life solely on my own. In the past, I’ve of course had a dependence on God, but what it depended on was the conforming of my character to the likeness of Christ. This is the first time were my very life and future depends on MY dependence on the Lord.

Here’s the kicker.

I don’t deserve God’s grace and the blessing of the money I need.

Why?

See, for as far as I can really remember, my brother and I have had a completely non-existent relationship. Prior to spring break, the last time I had talked to him was June 1, 2007 I believe. Nearly 8 months ago. Even during Spring Break, we didn’t have personal conversations, but said things in passing VERY briefly. I have pretty much ex-communicated my brother from my life and have selfishly and subconsciously decided that our relationship is irreconcilable in a lot of ways.

Something that began as simple sibling rivalry when we were kids turned into a strong resentment for the other when we got older. We are both equally guilty with equal amounts of blood on our hands. I’ve even recalled dreams that I have had at night where my brother died and I didn’t really feel much discomfort or grief or sadness over his death. For most of my life I’ve wanted to get away from him and being my own person. In some ways it’s like I grew up in his shadow, and in other ways it’s like he grew up in my shadow. I’ve said so many harsh, hate-filled, words that in reality it seems to be no surprise that we’ve grown so distant.

THAT’S NOT RIGHT! WITHOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP, I HAVE NOTHING. I HAVE NOTHING! NOTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE OTHER THAN MY DEPENDCE ON GOD MATTERS BUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FAMILY THAT GOD HAS GIVEN ME!

Friends and education and money and classes and ministry, all this stuff is really secondary to the family God has given me.

My brother and I disagree on a lot of things concerning our worldviews, but that shouldn’t drive us further apart. If anything, it should make us want to come closer to learn about each other’s journeys. But nevertheless, he has become distant me and I from him.

My relationship with his fiance’ is great and I think she’s a great girl and I love her a lot. I really felt convicted last night that if I am to ask God to provide for me, I need to be sure that I’m not hiding anything from Him, because why would God chose to bless me if I’m not honest with Him. My relationship with my family and my brother is far more important than education or a mission trip experience. God has no right to bless me if I cannot forgive the sin of my own brother (Matt. 5:23-24; 6:15.) Scripture says that God’s love holds no record of sin (1 Cor. 13:4) and by not reconciling things with my brother I am certainly holding a record of sin.

I have decided that enough is enough! I want to truly reconcile our relationship (or in some ways, begin to build it) and apologize for the way I’ve treated him over the years because I am as guilty as he is when it comes to being disconnected, willfully choosing not to associate with him. Our differences don’t matter, because as part of the body of Christ we are both redeemed and free.

Jesus died to reconcile all things to himself and he desires to redeem every part of this broken world…through his blood shed he is reconciling and saving us from our sin and our brokenness; our brokenness with each other, creation, and Him. God’s gift of eternal life is holistic. God invites us to be a part of his redeeming gospel of hope for the world, and by holding by a grudge against my family I am not being a part of that redemption. God is looking for people who will be the Eucharist to the world, people who will break themselves open and pour themselves out for the redemption of the world. I cannot change the world if I first do not change myself.

My favorite passage of scripture is John 10:27 where Jesus confronts the skeptics on his claim of being the Christ. He clearly says “My sheep listen to my voice, I know them, and they follow me.” If I am hostile and hating and unforgiving toward my brother, am I living a life worthy of being called one of his sheep? I don’t think so. I am no better than the rich man who demanded favor from Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31).

Jesus wants to save me from my sins and my mistakes regarding my relationship with my brother, and that is a gift of salvation that I have not yet accepted. I realize that by not accepting this part of God’s redemptive story, I am essentially saying I don’t want any part in what God is doing in this world.

I need to offer confession, repentance, forgiveness, and grace to my brother. That is what Jesus did. I need to break myself and pour myself out for the sake of our relationship. Only then can I be free to accept God’s blessing.

With that, I would like to ask you all for prayer. Pray that I have the courage and the strength to be gracious with my brother and to not be hostile towards him and to be patient and embracing and to be like Jesus to him. I need prayer that God will provide reconciliation between us and my family and that He will graciously provide way for me to pay for summer school, because I need God now more than ever before. Regardless of my summer situation, pray that my relationship with my brother is redeemed and reconciled.

grace and peace to you,

jeremy

The Great "emergence"!

I just found this post at Andrew Jones' blog and I'm starting to wonder if the emerging conversation will soon morph into a "Purpose-Driven" empire for the 21st century of young people:

The Great Mergence

Emergent
AGmergent
Convergent
Submergent
Baptimergent
Anglimergent
Luthermergent
Reformergent
Methomergent
Presbymergent
Cathlimergent?
Fundamergent?
Neveremergent?
Shuttheheckupaboutemergent?

The last thing we need is another Christian capitalistic empire to suck in all the young "evangelicals" and divert them from what's really happening in this country. If such an atrocity happens, then the emerging conversation, or Emergent more likely, has become the very thing it dared not to be from the beginning. There's already a movement of "Emerging women", next all we need is "emerging youth, men, children, seniors, etc," and viola, we have a new form of a Christian consumer empire for the new generation, it's just subconscious.

Something like this makes you wonder if Emergent has already gone into the stages of a consumer driven empire because such a response like this means that Emergent is having a different kind of effect on Christians then what was expected. Being "emerging" is the hip cool new thing to be **having flashbacks of Purpose-Driven era!** and it has become a catch phrase within Christianity. When people hear the word "emerging" I have a feeling they think cathedral-esque church with candles and low romantic type lighting with art hanging around as Sigur Ros or The Album Leaf plays as people come to sit with an "stage"/alter that’s at the same level as they are. In the back you have fair trade coffee and tea. Simple overhead screens show projections from a Mac Book of artsy images meant to enhance our worship experience. We come to a discussion about some biblical theme or watch a teaching film and talk after words. This atmosphere is very soothing to the tastes of a younger generation and suits THERE NEEDS. What we have is nothing more than a re-visit to the consumer driven society we so despised. We're just consuming different things.

In reality, the use of candles and indie music with coffee and low lights are not what makes something "emerging." They are simply instruments of tradition that may help us connect with the deeper reality. The DEEPER REALITY of it focuses on being missionally minded Christ-followers in this postmodern era when people are more skeptical of everything they see, smell, touch, hear, etc. Realizing a world in need of authentic, loving communities who offers real help besides just how to get to Heaven when we die. Responding to social justice in a real way of active involvement rather than giving our $5 to Compassion each month. Focus on the embracing the gospel as the holistic means of God restoring and redeeming all of his creation (not just human souls) to himself via the crucifixion on the cross.

It seems that a lot of "evangelicals" who are embracing the emerging conversation appear to be more concerned with "how" things are done rather than "why" they are being done. "This is cool, let's do this." Sitting in a living room drinking coffee talking about how to reach out to gay people is not the embrace of this "emerging" conversation. Going and engaging in dialog with homosexuals and listening to their stories for the sake of showing them the love of Jesus seems to be more adequate, because it involves DOING SOMETHING. If coffee and candles are what makes us different then we've done nothing to make a real difference except change our appearance. If living simpler, giving more, spending less, and loving the marginalized, oppressed, and broken hurting parts of hell on earth are what make us different, then we've done something.

I pray that this emerging conversation remains focused on practicing what is preached rather than finding new ways to preach! I pray it continues to wrestle with the tough questions of this world and how God's truth applies to it. I pray that the ambiguousness that is "emerging" continues to stay on the front line of what God is doing in our world.

a slightly demented view of easter

NOTE: I AM NOT THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG....THE ORIGINAL POST CAN BE FOUND AT http://emergingashlie.vox.com/library/post/a-slightly-demented-view-of-easter.html


by xAshliex

In honor of Easter, I'd like to bring out 2 guests: Jesus Christ and The Easter Bunny!

me: hi there, mr. bunny and my Savior!
Jesus: hello, my child.
bunny: *wrinkles nose*
me: right...so, lets start this interview!
Jesus: ask my child, and it will be given to you..knock, and it will be opened.
me:sweet! so Jesus, what is the real meaning of easter?
Jesus: Well, one day, two of my fathers creations messed up. now, i'm not naming names *COUGHADAMANDEVECOUGH* but, this really messed up things in the universe. So, I came to this Earth to get humans back in connection with God. Tragically, it meant I had to die....*Jesus looks forlorn*
me: Dude, that sucks.
bunny: I like chocolate.
Jesus: NO! It gets better!! *Jesus gets all excited*
me: WHAT? HOW?!! You died! What more is there?
Jesus: I raised from the dead.
me: Now..why would you go and do that?
Jesus: Because, my death takes away your sins, but ultimately, my raising frees you from them. I loved you, and all of creation enough to come back to you. To prove that my spirit and love will never leave you. By coming back, I have made it clear you are to do the same thing to everyone else. You must die to your pride, and come back and serve them. Free them and free your guilt.
me: wow..thats heavy.
Jesus: not really, it's pretty simple. humans just like to complicate this stuff.
me: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! YOU'RE THE MESSIAH. OF COURSE IT'S EASY FOR YOU!
Jesus: Okay, now there is no reason for you to get testy with me young lady. I was the one who was a poor carpenter in the middle of the desert in 100 degree weather, remember? Oh, and I was born in a trough. Have you ever been crucified? No, I think not. I mean, really...can a Savior get a holla?
bunny: HOLLA!
me: okay, seriously bunny...why are you even here?
bunny: listen, someone said to show up here for some free carrots. you got free carrots?
me: yeah, they're in the fridge..but hurry. my readers have ADHD and I need to make a point, hopefully.
*bunny scampers off*
Jesus: see, my child? it really is just about loving others and loving God. you guys get all hung up on buzzwords, and whether you got to be a Calvinist or not, just...absolutely mindless stuff. I don't care that you talk about it, but do you need to argue about it?
me: you got a point there. I mean, those God Hates Fags' people make me want to shoot my brains out.
Jesus: Christ. Seriously, that's totally not my fault.
me: The Inquisition?
Jesus: Actually, that was Gabriel. We tried to tell him no, that it was a prank that would go wrong, but he wouldn't listen.
me: Angelina Jolie?
Jesus: THAT was my fault.

In essence, we need to look at the egg. A symbol for new life, it gives us hope for a new transformation. It lets us believe that we can rise above our past mistakes, and the errors of our past generations. It makes it possible to live for tomorrow. We have the choice to live for others, should we accept it. Not out of insecurity, but confidently in Christ's love. This Easter, while we eat dinner, lets pick up a new attitude. Lets reframe our existence. When we hold each others hands during grace, lets hold each others hearts. Make this season an opprotunity not only to accept the bulimic, but love the homosexual, care for the homeless, help the murderer and shelter the abused.

What matters is not the sacreligiousness, or the dogma, but how controversially one must speak in order to drive people to thoughtful reaction.

How will you react to the controversy Christ shows us through the egg?


something to think about....

Concerning Mark Driscoll on Rob Bell and Emergent Village

Recently there has been a load of commentary about Mark Driscoll’s recent sermon surrounding the Emerging church movement. Before I go any further, I will say that I respect Driscoll greatly and agree with him on a lot theological topics. The man is a brilliant thinker, communicator, is hella funny, and a great Pastor. I think Mars Hill is a great church doing the work of God and is blessing the city of Seattle. This is not meant to personally bash Mark Driscoll or Mars Hill Church.

Driscoll began with his history of how he became a Christ follower and how when he was 25 (around 1998 or so), he was asked by Leadership Network to be a part of a church and the cultural postmodern shift. This became what was known then as the Young Leaders Network and the catch phrase "emerging church" became the prominent (coined by Dan Kimbal) term for which their churches and (church models) were defined and the "emerging conversation" was the dialogue in which these individuals were a part of. Pastor named Doug Pagitt was selected to lead this team of young leaders as they wrestled with what it meant to be the church in postmodern culture. The team was heavily influenced by the late Missiologist Leslie Newbegin his thoughts on what it meant to be a "missional community" in the postmodern era. Along with Mark were a few men such as Dan Kimball, Chris Seay, and Andrew Jones. Months later, Pagitt brought in Tony Jones and Brian McLaren to help lead this team of young men. To make a long story short, Mark eventually distanced himself from this group, because had some growing theological disagreements with them that he felt were "non-negotiable" issues and because he was in the middle of starting Mars Hill Church in Seattle as well as having a wife who was pregnant with their first son. This team of pastors morphed into what was known briefly as the TerraNova project which included theologians such as Dr. Lenoard Sweet and Dr. Stanley Grenz. TerraNova soon morphed into what is now known as Emergent Village. Where Mark parted ways with these men was the "conversation" shifted from "how do we do church in the 21st century?" to questioning particular doctrines of orthodox Christianity such the substitutionary atonement of cross, the authority and inspiration of the Bible, the exclusivity of Jesus, the virgin birth, etc by Doug Pagitt and Brian McLaren.

It should be noted that Mark says that at a young age he considered himself to be very stubborn, selfish, and impatient. He notes very clearly that he dearly loves McLaren, Pagitt as well as the rest of the original team of pastors. They have not personally harmed him or sinned against him in anyway and he still considers them friends.

After this brief emerging church history lesson, Mark then proceeds to take particular classifications of the Emerging church from missiologist Dr. Edward Stetzer in which he uses two, the relevants and the revisionists. Mark concludes that the relevants are individuals who are basically evangelical in when it comes to doctrine and theology but are concerned about reaching a new generation of emerging postmodern minded individuals. "Relevants", Mark considers, are people he such as Donald Miller, Dan Kimball, Rick McKinley, and Chris Seay (to name a few). He shares stories about individual encounters with these folks and to the best of his knowledge, he considers them basically evangelical in their theology. Mark then quickly shifts over to the Revisionist stream, are often connected with or a part of (but not limited to) the organization known as Emergent Village. The revisionist stream, while also passionate reaching a younger generation, also appears to call into question key doctrines of orthodox Christianity, something which Mark finds dangerous. Mark claims that there are three individuals most commonly influential within the Revisionist stream are Brian McLaren, Doug Pagitt, and Rob Bell. Mark then continues to deconstruct and debunk the "toxic theology" of these three individuals and considers their teachings dangerous and unorthodox.

Concerning McLaren and Pagitt, I will give Mark the benefit of the doubt when calling these two out because Mark knows them personally and has interacted in personal dialogue with them. However, when it comes to Rob Bell, Mark has no NO such interaction. Mark admits that he has never met Rob Bell personally and has never talked with him. My problem with Mark’s lecture/sermon is that I believe he greatly misquotes and misrepresents Rob Bell’s teaching, theology, and doctrinal beliefs. My critique is that Mark just casually ASSUMES that Rob Bell is a part of the Emergent "Revisionist" stream because at one point Brian McLaren preached at Rob’s church (Mars Hill Bible Church. Driscoll and Bell’s churches often get mixed up. The two are not connected in anyway, shape, or form.) and In Mars Hill’s "recommended reading" section of which they use to engage covenant members with the mission and ideology that has influenced Mars Hill community, you will also find recommendation of Brian McLaren’s earlier works (A New Kind of Christian - A Generous Orthodoxy.) At one point, Doug Pagitt also spoke at Mars Hill, when Rob was apparently sick with bronchitis. Pagitt did was not apparently asked, but did Rob a favor by filing in for him for that day. There was no real agenda in Pagitt’s message, and it was simply, from what I can tell of it, a "fill-in" message for the community of Mars Hill. Pagitt’s relationship with Mars Hill comes from a slightly different angle that just being another pastor. Doug’s daughter’s fiancé, the names of whom are undisclosed, is a covenant member of Mars Hill Bible Church. While Doug and Rob share similar visions for social justice, community, and teaching the scriptures (to name a few), I can be sure of it that Rob Bell and Doug Pagitt would have some pretty differing theological disagreements.

Concerning Pagitt and McLaren, I cannot say that I agree with them on all of their theological concepts and ideologies, however I do not in and of myself find (as much as I have read of each) anything that is extremely unorthodox. In McLaren and Pagitt’s later works (The Secret Message of Jesus, Everything Must Change, An Emergent Manifesto of Hope, Listening to the Beliefs of Emerging Churches, etc), I find both men caving to a world of liberal theology. Regardless of my theological disagreements with them, I do not think it wise to throw out everything that McLaren or Doug Pagitt has ever said and I find a lot of McLaren and Pagitt’s insights to be helpful, refreshing, and hopeful.

Now, back with Rob Bell, I find it hard for Mark to make the conclusion that Rob Bell is some how a part of the Emergent stream of the emerging church. Rob Bell has never been part of nor associated with any of the constructs of Emergent Village. While he may have friends who are part of Emergent, that a lone cannot be the basis for writing him off as Emergent. Mark however seems to think that because Pagitt and McLaren have taught at Bell’s church, he must somehow be a part of Emergent. However, if that basis writes off Bell as Emergent, that apparently there are other individuals who must be considered Emergent as well. Dan Kimball, Rick McKinley, Donald Miller, and Chris Seay have ALL also taught at Mars Hill Bible Church and all consider themselves friends with Rob Bell. Furthermore, Dan Kimball and Chris Seay, two of the "evangelicals" that Mark mentions, are members of the Board of Directors for Emergent Village! Mark appears to be assuming that because of Pagitt and McLaren’s liberal theological influences within Emergent, then Emergent must be essentially limited to their beliefs.

Mark proceeds to call out Rob Bell on some of his theological statements in his book Velvet Elvis, particularly, his statement about the Virgin Birth of Jesus. Mark, I believe, greatly takes Rob’s words out of context. Mark’s essential paraphrase of Rob Bell essentially goes "Yeah, we can pull a few bricks out of the wall of theological doctrine, and it’s not gonna fall down. In fact, would we really loose anything if we got rid of the Virgin birth?" However, a clear read of this particular section of Velvet Elvis and one will find the latter statement to be quite a stretch of ideas. In Velvet Elvis, Rob literally says this:

What if tomorrow someone digs up definitive proof that Jesus had a real, earthly biological father named Larry, and archaeologists find Larry’s tomb and do DNA samples and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the virgin birth was really just a bit of mythologizing the Gospel writers threw in to appeal to the followers of the Mithra and Dionysian religious cults that we hugely popular at the time of Jesus, whose gods had virgin births? But what if you study the origin of the word Virgin you discover that the word virgin in the gospel of Matthew actually comes from the book of Isaiah, and then you find out that in the Hebrew language at that time, the word virgin could mean several things. And what if you find out discover that in the first century being "born of a virgin" also referred to a child whose mother became pregnant the first time she had intercourse?...

Could a person still love God? Could you still be a Christian? Is the Way of Jesus still the best possible way to live? Or does the whole thing fall apart?

I AFFIRM the historic Christian faith, which includes the virgin birth and the trinity and the inspiration of the Bible and much more. I’m a part of it, and I want to pass it on to the next generation. I believe God created everything and that Jesus is Lord and that God has plans to restore everything.

But what if the whole faith falls apart when we reexamine or rethink one spring (DOCTRINE) then it wasn’t really that strong in the first place, was it?

(Velvet Elvis, p. 27 Emphasis mine.)

Mark Driscoll claims that Rob Bell says after his discourse about the virgin birth, "would it really matter? Would we really lose anything? He goes on to say, now I believe in the virgin birth, I’m just saying we don’t need it." However, you can clearly see that Rob Bell makes no such claim to throw out the Virgin Birth nor does he objectively question it. Any literary critic can easily tell that Rob Bell is essentially using a HYPOTHETICAL argument to get us to think about our faith. Also, Rob never says we are to "throw out" doctrines, but ponder them, question and wrestle with them, and rethink them, for the sake of coming to affirmation about them. Nowhere in the text of Velvet Elvis does Rob Bell ever say we can throw out Orthodox doctrine. With the statements made by Driscoll, I come to doubt that he has even read Velvet Elvis in it’s entirety and given it some serious thought. To me it seems he simply read another individual’s response to this statement and agreed with them. In this, Mark Driscoll is essentially reading words into Rob Bells mouth (or pen, for that matter) that are not there. What a foolish way to offer critique!

Driscoll also calls into question Rob Bell’s essential analysis of doctrinal foundationalism. Bell essentially argues that doctrines in 20th century evangelicalism have function sort of like a brick wall. Each doctrine stacked onto the next, each one building upon the previous one, creating a brick wall and if one of these doctrines or bricks are even brought into question, all faith and doctrine and theology is lost. Rob Bell essentially says in Velvet Elvis:

"…we can take a spring out and examine it, discuss it, probe it, question it. It flexes and stretches.

In fact, it’s stretch and flex are what makes it so effective. It is FIRMLY attached to the FRAME and the mat, yet it has room to move…" (Velvet Elvis, p. 22, emphasis mine)

However, Driscoll states in his lecture "Now what he says is theology isn’t like a wall where there are many bricks, and if you take one out if falls down. Theology is like a trampoline and it’s flexible and it bends. And he’s arguing in that analogy for post-foundational theological presupposition. Yet, I’ve seen a trampoline. And what I’ve noticed is that it has a frame that sits upon a firm foundation of the earth. He tends to have over looked the obvious in the illustration." However, as you can see above, Rob Bell clearly states that the "spring" doctrines are FIRMLY attached to the frame of the trampoline. The point he is making is that if we aren’t open to respecting other views (flexible) and theology/doctrine and interpretations, being rigid and attached to our own view, then we become extremely biased. Rob Bell states in the book:

"What happens in brick world is that you spend a lot of time talking about how right you are. Which of course leads to how wrong everybody else is. Which then leads to defending the wall… I am far more interested in jumping than arguing who’s trampoline is better." (Velvet Elvis, p. 27)

Driscoll goes on to say what will inevitably happen if one objectionably rejects the virgin birth. Driscoll that Mary said she was a virgin (already assuming the word "virgin" meant one who has not had intercourse) and that if she was really a "lying whore" then that changes the story. Why would anyone believe the claims of the human son of a lying whore? Following, why believe the claims of Jesus brothers James and Jude? While what Driscoll is pointing to is in fact logically true, his argument and Rob Bells point in his hypothetical questioning of the virgin birth are two VERY different things. Rob Bell is stating all the while that if we have rigid theology and won’t ever listen to and invite people into our world and theology and explore with us, then we are really no better than the religious leaders of Jesus time. Driscoll is arguing that if claim that the virgin birth didn’t, we’ve got issues with Jesus’ future claims about himself. That is true, but that’s not Rob Bell’s point. Furthermore, Driscoll already assumes that God HAD to use the immaculate conception of Mary to give birth to Jesus. Did God HAVE to use the divine, immaculate conception of a virgin Mary? No, he’s God. He can do what he desires. However, he chose to divinely input Jesus to us by the way of a virgin, one who has not had intercourse. It’s clear that Rob Bell doesn’t deny the Virgin birth.

Driscoll than goes on to cite that Rob Bell and Brian McLaren both site Ken Wilbur’s (a Buddhist philosopher) book A Brief History of Everything as an influence in how they live their lives. However, in reality I believe Bell and McLaren are essentially just affirming truth in it’s time. Regardless that Ken Wilbur is a Buddhist philosopher, that does not mean that EVERYTHING he says is ultimately not true and unprofitable. The authors of scripture affirmed truth in any religious system, regardless of it’s apparent source. All truth is God’s truth. Regardless of the receiver, if it’s truth it belongs to God. All human beings have received general revelation from God, while not capable of Salvation, is still revelation from God. If it’s true it belongs to God.

As I listen to Driscoll’s disagreements with Rob Bell, I question why he feels he has the right (much less a convincing argument) to paint Rob Bell as a heretic. As he said in this lecture, he does not know Rob Bell and has never talked with him. As someone who has personally met Rob Bell and has listened to his teaching for the past 4 years and as a theology student here at Multnomah, I can honestly say that Rob Bell’s theology is nowhere near liberal and is completely Orthodox. I further doubt that Driscoll has ever listened to one of Rob Bell’s sermons or read any of this books. If Driscoll has read Velvet Elvis, then I discredit him for doing such a poor job at analyzing Rob’s statements in the book. It would be better stated "I disagree with some of Rob Bell’s statements." Regardless of Driscoll’s disagreements with Rob Bell, even if some are simply just theological differences, no one can’t not applaud Mark Driscoll for being such innovative, authentic, creative, and theologically sound teacher and pastor that he is. God is using both Mark Driscoll and Rob Bell (and Brian McLaren and Doug Pagitt for that matter) to advance his Kingdom as he brings about restoration to this broken creation.

grace and peace to you,
jeremy

the gods aren't angry

So, last week I got to see Rob Bell speak on the "the god's aren't angry" tour at the Roseland theatre here in Portland. It was amazing! Rob was right on the money, exegeting everything extremely well in context and tying everything together with illustrations and examples of how it all works.

For anyone who might not know, Rob Bell is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church in Grandville, MI. He is also the featured speaker in the first series of short biblical teaching films called NOOMA. Rob has authored two books, both of which I think are incredible, Velvet Elvis and Sex God.

Rob's teaching has worked miracles in my life and made a profound change on the way I see things. It was in the summer of 2004 that Rob's teaching changed me through the NOOMA series (more on in the future!)

Rob's primary focus was about religiosity and how it was invented by humans to make themselves feel better. Essentially all truth is God's truth and all life is living and breathing God's name. Some of the first humans beings (post-fall and post-flood) began to recognize the different forces of nature and of life…the cycles of the sun, moon, and stars, the cycle of life. They began to realize that there are forces out there greater than themselves and began to name the different forces. The forces became gods who were up in the sky, separate from mankind.

When things would go bad, people assumed the gods were angry, and so recognizing that the gods, these unseen forces, were behind the cycles, they established a system of offerings (or sacrifices) to appease the gods, to satisfy them. They made an altar, a place to offer their sacrifices to these gods. How these sacrifices would work is, if you had a good crop, you made a sacrifice to give thanks. If you had a bad crop, you sacrificed in hopes you'd appease the anger and in turn, get a good return. If things were good, the gods must be happy… but if things were bad, something wasn't right. You needed to offer more. In reality it came about that you never knew where you stood with the gods. If you had an especially abundant harvest, you would offer more of a sacrifice because if you offered the gods the same amount of sacrifice but had the ability to offer more of a sacrifice; such an act of selfishness could anger the gods.

It was a vicious cycle that became deeply rooted in mankind. If things were good, you offered thanks. If things were bad, you offered a peace offering. If things were extra-good, you offered a larger portion as to not anger the gods. You never knew essentially where you stood with the gods because regardless of what happened, you had to offer sacrifice. So, it got extreme. When crops or animals weren't enough men began offering their own blood, their own children, and in some cases their manhood (not joking). In the book of Kings Chapter 17 you have the prophets of Baal cutting themselves and offering sacrifice. Nothing could satisfy… no sacrifice was good enough. You never knew were you stood with the gods.

Then Abraham came along and introduced a God who spoke to him. It was an actual God, speaking to men. And this God wasn't demanding of sacrifice – He was offering a promise and a blessing. It was revolutionary thinking, that a God would be involved in space in time, calling men into an actual relationship with Him. There is a back story to the story of Abraham were Abraham was instructed by YHWH to leave his father's household. Now, in eastern Jewish culture, "leaving your father's household" was not just packing up and leaving home. Leaving your father's household meant that you would essentially leave you're ENTIRE up bringing and belief system of your family or father.

The God of Abraham introduced a whole new sacrificial system…there were offerings, your sacrifices for forgiveness of sin, but even sacrifices to bring peace between yourself God, and yourself and others.

YHWH essentially transcends everything other god's "did." The stars were considered a god, and yet YHWH goes and uses it as an illustration to show how Abraham will have numerous offspring. YHWH uses the dust of the ground to illustrate how his offspring will multiply, and in everyone else's mind, this seemed odd. The gods were in all and through all. The gods would NEVER communicate with humans. There were not transcendent and would not embrace humanity. And yet here comes this one true God who completely goes against the grain of things and breaks every norm in which the people knew. And here comes this one God who is true and uses the others as "props" to make a point. This concept of a God communicating is a totally new concept unknown to anyone at the time. It's a complete paradigm shift.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and a Jewish Rabbi named Jesus come around and does the exact same thing to the current system of belief and understanding in the culture at that time. Jesus was said by many orthodox Jews to be the answer to a covenant that God made with is people of Israel thousands of years earlier (The Davidic Covenant). Matthew 21 tells of Jesus turning over the temple gates and driving out the merchants and thieves. He went into the Temple, into the very place where people were making their offerings, and said, "I'm here. I'm greater than the Temple. You can tear me down, and I'll rebuild it in 3 days…" as John referred to as his body being destroyed and raised again in 3 days. Jesus is trumping the system again! He sacrifices himself for our sins and our misleading. He, in essence, said that there's a greater way to know God than through ritual or sacrifice (and it's me!). Christ's sacrifice, for us, so we don't have to pay homage to God (the substitutionary atonement of sins.)

Rob shared stories of people he's encountered in his ministry… a businessman who is a slave to work to prove his worth, to live up to the approval of his in-laws, wresting with the sense that he's not good enough. She was striving for validation, success, and approval. Then, he had encountered young girls who were cutting themselves as a way to escape pain or emotional trauma and to overcome words of hurt and negativity. In bringing up all of these he asked:
"Do we have the same old gods, and we've just given them different names?"

The prophets of Baal cut themselves nearly 3000 years ago as a way to appease the gods.

In Hebrews, the author talks about the sacrifice Christ made by giving His life, and how His life was the final sacrifice to reconcile God and mankind. He did away with the old system and ushered in the culmination of the ages so everyone could understand the ultimate reality (Salvation from sin)… that they could see God in a whole new way. God made peace through Christ with all things on heaven and earth. He changed everything for everybody.

Then Rob talked about the whole point of sacrifices. Did we (and do we) sacrifice because God needs something from us? According to Psalm 50, God isn't pleased with our sacrifices…in Micah it says God isn't pleased with 1,000 rams… the list could go on but the point is the sacrifices weren't for God, they were for us. We are thinking we need to earn God's love when in reality; he's standing right there with arms wide open (no Creed reference here!)

We have a hard time trusting good things, so sacrifice area a reminder and ritual that keeps us knowing that God wants to bless us and not ask us for more. There's never been an effective religious deed in all of humanity.

Rob then entertained the question, "what is repentance?" It's not "I repent and THEN God does THIS." That's RELIGION! Repenting is not bargaining. God made peace with all things. He's already done it. Repentance is acknowledging what God has done and living differently because of it. What comes with that acknowledgement? The realization that we are sinners and that God is offering us a life that is better than anything we can give ourselves. God offers us grace, but it must be received (Receiving Christ as Savior.) The gospel is the good news that God hasn't given up on creation, that the tomb is empty and that a resurrection of souls is taking place.

The 'altar' was done with Jesus, but there's one more sacrifice we need to make… ourselves. We need to live our entire lives in thankfulness to God for what He's done. We need to put flesh and blood on it for others – we need to share it. We need to live the peace we've experienced and known.

Rob then shared a few more stories…. There was an Orthodox priest who went to investigate a woman who had been seeing visions of Jesus. He told the woman, the next time she saw Jesus, to ask him what sins he had committed. The priest went back a week later after hearing again that she had seen Jesus, he asked her "did you ask Jesus what sins I had committed this week?" "Yes" she replied…and the woman told him that Jesus answer was, "I don't remember."

He told a story of a woman who had been violently disfigured in an accident and her husband, when seeing her mangled face for the first time, kissed her and said, "I like it." Telling a girl who had brought shame to her family, "You don't embarrass me." That's Christ, that's the nature of God. He doesn't remember. He likes you. He doesn't hate you. The very air we breathe is His love for us. We have no need to impress, give more, improve, or perform. We don't have to live the like that. He came. The sacrifice has been made. At the culmination of the ages, Christ stands… and God isn't angry. God is love.

Rob shared a story from his personal life where he was pretty much burned out with being a pastor and was running himself ramped, trying to please everyone. These things had become his gods. Rob was sharing this with a friend several years ago and that friends simply look at Rob straight in the eye and repeated this simple phrase over and over until Rob finally realized it for himself.

You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this.
You don't have to live like this…

Rob ended with a benediction that I am trying to make real in my life everyday now… "May you come to see the Christ, who shed his blood for you at the cross; who conquered sin and death and because of that God isn't angry. May you embrace the risen Christ who is LOVE."

This really has profound implications on my life as it stands right now…I've suffered from depression (and at one point self-injury, but not anymore) and have really wrestled with what it means to trust Jesus. I've had doubts, fears, questions, baggage, and pain. It's showed in the form of blood, tears, anger, silence, music, poems, and even blogs. As I live this journey called life I am seeking to embrace the mystery that is Jesus Christ in me. I am in need of a savior every day I awake, and often times I walk around thinking that I must better myself for God's kingdom…that who I am isn't good enough. I have people on campus that I want to emulate in love and compassion and kindness and grace and I feel like I'm sinning for not having those particular qualities as strong as they do, as if they're better than me.

It's hard for me to realize that Christ works in everyone's life individually in different time frames and that everyone is different. I've come from a somewhat disgruntled background and my personality shows of it. I appear to harbor anger and regret for works of injustice done against me that I feel I need to let go. I need to breathe them out in a sigh of relief. I essentially think God as angry, in the sense that I'm not good enough for him. Each day I must strive to tell myself "I don't have to live like this", coming to grips with the true son of God who took my guilt on that cross so that I don't have to live like this."

peace and love be with you,
jeremy

broken, unsure, false, and insecure

This is the first time I’ve written anything in nearly 6 months...Multnomah has taken up a lot of time. The first half of the semester is over and I’m now able to work on some writing. This is really just a springboard for me to get back into the blog world as I have been in hiding for so long.

I’ve had some serious down falls in my life these past few months. Stuff that I have kept at bay and haven’t really let out. Now, you may be asking yourself “what hasn’t been let out?” because in the last few blogs I’ve been to open and honest and real with everything in my life that it seems like I’m an open book person. But alas, I still have many secrets and skeletons that grace the space behind the door of my closet.

I’ve had a lot of questions concerning the legitimacy of some relationships (note the “some”, not ALL.) I’ve gone to bed almost every night with a emotional pain inside of me, desiring truth and authenticity and grace and acceptance. I’ve had several questions about the reality of life, God, and the future. I’ll give a real reason why. First all, as most know, I’ve had to deal with A LOT of negative criticism and self-loathing over the years growing up. I still do deal with a lot of self-loathing and a desire to be more (or different, really.)

Sometimes I wonder what people really do think about me, because they’re actions seem to show some things. For example, recently a group of close friends here at school (one who is a VERY good friend of mine; some who are new students who I am not close with) decided to play a practical joke on me for an entire month. They somehow got the idea to make me think a particular individual was of a particular persuasion. So, for an entire month, they decided to screw with me. I of course fell right into the trap because the individual who was the pinnacle of the joke was someone I had only known for about a month or so. I had no reason to think otherwise, because I didn’t know the person very well. What other conclusion was I to come to? I barely knew this person. Come to find out a month later nearly 10 people were involved with this stupid prank they played on me, and they were finding joy and entertainment in my insecurity and ignorance. For a while I tried to shrug it off but I just haven’t been able to. In reality, it hurt. It cut deep because some of the people involved were my very close friends from school, and I thought they’d never act so foolishly with me. I feel like they pretty much decided that I was so insecure and unstable that I should be screwed with because they knew I’d believe this lie. How pathetic! What really hurts isn’t so much how or what they did, but the fact that they did it to me. Sometimes I wonder if people don’t understand that I’m a deeply emotionally scarred person who’s tired of having people be fake. I know that some people clearly didn’t know how emotionally insecure I can be, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. What hurts is the fact that they decide to screw with me, for a whole month. Was it a joke? Yes. Was it clever? Sure. Was it funny? I would probably laugh at it if it wasn‘t on me. I’ll give it to them that. It was creative and well structured, well planned and well orchestrated. But I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the idea of why they chose me, one of the most emotionally unstable people around, to mess with. I’ve tried letting it go, but I can’t let it go, because it now throws the legitimacy of friendships I’ve had into question. It’s brought back a lot of painful memories from my past unfortunately. It was hard to watch friends laugh at my ignorance. I tried to shrug it off but it’s stuck with me too long for some reason. Why is it always me that people have to find their comical pleasure in? Why is it always my emotions and faults that people find entertainment in? Can I take a joke? sure I can. Is it all in clean fun? sure. But what does that do to someone’s esteem when people always do it to one person. I try not to let things bother me, but in the long run I think that if something is drawn out than it will bother me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m like this little pawn that can be pulled around on a string like a puppet for the pleasure of people. I want people to take me seriously and have real respect. I’ve been screwed with a lot and I want to be able to live life with it. I feel like people need to acknowledge that we aren’t all perfect. We all have struggles, problems, questions, emotions, and we need to feel comfortable in our own skin. In the words of Byron Kehler, we are more alike than we are different. And if people realize that we all aren’t perfect, then we need to start talking about it and bringing it out in the open. We cannot grow in isolation. We were made for community.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional pain lately. Ben Thomas talked about living in community and being real and authentic with people at Multnomah during our all dorm meeting. He talked about being authentic and genuine about our brokenness. I’m an extremely broken person, and I haven’t been made whole yet. I will not be made whole until the day of Christ’s return. I realize that people are different and that we all have feelings, but I don’t understand why we feel we have to mask ourselves so well from others. Are we too afraid to be real with people?

What would happen if we went around being real with people to the point were we saw so much how broken we are that our cultural and personal and theological biases began to break down and we began to be a real community of people who love each other too much to let us fall and be hurt. What if we began to live as a body of Christ followers holding each other up in a communal fashion so that when we fall we won’t hit the bottom? I think that would bring about a lot of respect in the long run. I’m not saying we go around being jerks by telling them how much we disagree with them or that we reveal the deepest parts of our lives to EVERYONE, but I’m talking about not being afraid to speak your mind in an open fashion and not being afraid you’ll be ridiculed for it. To be able to trust and know that we are loved and valued and respected. I realize that confidentiality is a big part of being real because some things are way to personal for others to understand. But what if we were to live with no more skeleton’s in our closets? We have a strong desire to be right in this world, but I think we need to focus more on the fact that no one is right except Jesus. If we could do that, then would we see how much our universal need for Jesus is and then extend the love we have for each other to others? I think it’s something to think about. I know I could strongly benefit from a community like that.

Now, I’m not saying that the current community is bad. That’s definitely not the case. But I just think it could be so much better. So much more authentic. So much more decentralized and more communally focused. I think we could always strive to live for Christ NOW, better, stronger, livelier, and more aware.

learning to live, laugh, and love

this is my reflection paper from my Experiental Learning class at Multnomah. The class focuses on how we learn experientally and how to teach experientally, focusing more on human emotions and narrative stories rather than systematic exposition , conversation rather than lecture, engagement rather than disengagement. Paul Elmore and Byron Kehler facilitated the weekend at Agape Youth and Family Ministries Challenge Course in Mt. Hood, Oregon (near Gresham). It was a wonderful time of reflection, emotional recharge, heart break, and self discovery. I am posting this here because I want to let myself be seen. To expose who I really am and who I really desire to be.

The learning lab retreat weekend was, in my own words, the best heart break I’ve had in a long time. This weekend will definitely be one to remember as I have seen sides of my story come out of me that I never thought I’d let out. I always wanted to keep them cooped up inside, only sharing it with a select few people whom I “trusted.” Over the weekend it quickly became apparent that no one cared what baggage anyone had brought with them. All the pain, anxiety, questions, biases, and bitterness, no one cared about those things. We all wanted to be in a community of love and respect and grace. It was probably the most refreshing feeling I’ve ever witnessed.

Going into the weekend, I had some expectations of getting to know myself better. I wanted to be able to open myself up and to let people know what was really going on inside of me. Part of that happened when Paul asked the question “what are you bringing into the room?” What was it that we had preconceived ideas about that we wanted to shed? Friday night, Paul talked about realizing that we all live in a box. That box is our comfort zone, were we feel safe. Outside of the box is what feels uncomfortable. Where we feel vulnerable, it’s where we feel unhappy and where we feel exposed. It set the precedent to the weekend. I’ll admit that I had a serious issue of fear of failure, rejection, self image, and anxiety. I was afraid of failing someone. I was afraid of offending someone. I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings and not knowing it, and hence people start to dislike me because of it. Through years of painful turmoil, brokenness, question, health issues, and anxiety I have never been able to really flex my own muscles. My mind has been conditioned to believe the untrue. 6 years of destruction defense mechanisms have been trying and taxing
I also have a fear of life. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to survive on my own when there is no longer a community of people to surround me and support me. It seems like I cast a lot of care on other people, but that I don’t really trust myself a lot of the time. It’s a process I was hoping to work though during the weekend.

As the weekend began, I started to see where my faults lie and where I believed a lie. During the Multi-ropes course, my team that I was on didn’t make it across the line, and for a while I ultimately felt that it was my fault because I have neuromuscular disease and I felt that that had ultimately let them down. I was afraid of failure, because I have “seen” it so much in my own life. I have been told that I have failed people or that I will ultimately be a failure in life because of my own actions. Words have been uttered that were harsh, painful, destructive, and scarring.

It wasn’t until later that I began to really see inside of me. During the spider web, we essentially had to trust everyone to get us across the web safely and securely without touching the web. For me, trusting everyone to do that wasn’t that difficult, however when the topic of me trusting myself came up, I wasn’t able to do it. I immediately asked people to help me through it, because I didn’t believe I could do it on my own. Paul got some stuff out of me! I started to think about my life and how many times I’ve been “carried” in life. If I think about it, I’ve been carried a lot of my life and not been able to stand on my own feet. I became dependent on my parents to get me through stuff or to fix my problems and I need to step out of my box and feel around and try things out. To wrestle, question, think, and to flex my springs. It’s uncomfortable.

One of the biggest challenges was the buddy walk. We essentially leaned on each other, supporting our weight on each other and using the flex off two cables to move down the cables. What it turned into was a true learning experience. We essentially had to trust ourselves in order to succeed at it. I almost broke down because I have never had anyone lean on me. It’s a hurtful process because I don’t understand why. I have a lot of questions that I don’t really understand. People don’t trust me, understand me, try to correct me, or think I’m just wrong or an idiot. Part of that comes from messages I’ve been sent over the years. I’ve been conditioned to think that it’s my fault, when in reality, its peoples other problems and their real insecurities. Paul mentioned Friday night that in reality, we treat people the way we want them to treat us. We don’t ever really cater to people’s needs as much as we think we do. The reason why is that we all have personal intentions and ideas, so we tend to focus on those almost subconsciously and don’t really focus on the issues at hand.

That makes me wonder, are people treating me with genuine respect or do we are they trying to “win me over” to their “side” of things, as if to be a counterforce or something like that. I wonder what it would be like if I ever brought that to someone? “What if I told you that you’re really treating me the way you want me to treat you and are trying to cater to your own needs instead of mine.” they wouldn’t know what hit them. What happens when I start being real with people. What happens when I really do speak my mind and not just say some stuff to get on with the conversation. “How are you doing?” “Good.” In reality I’m thinking “I’m actually doing horrible, but I don’t want to share that with you because I don’t trust you, so I’m going to say I’m doing good in order to get this over with so I can go on with my day.” It’s hard to connect with people that way. In theory, am I not the one worth trusting or is this all just a big fluke in my mind. Who’s right and who’s wrong?

Sunday morning really began to prove that for me. It was the cat walk. I was suspended 25 feet in the air and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I shared with the group about how I’ve been conditioned to think I’m an idiot and not worth loving and completely incompetent. I know that’s not the truth, but in reality people tend to over spiritualize stuff and say really meaningless stuff like “god accepts you.” yes, that is true, but that doesn’t fix the problem at hand. That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like crap.

After that, I went up on the log and I began to step out in faith. The log really allowed me to put away a lot of those negative messages and it forced me to trust myself. I felt a huge burden because I kept wondering what people would see or think. Logan was facilitating, and he did a really good job at it too. I started to wonder, what happens when we realize we’re really afraid of something else? I remember one person was up there and Logan asked what he/she was afraid of. “What are you afraid of? Do you trust that the person belaying you will keep you safe? Do you trust that the rope will catch you if you fall? Do you trust that no one here will judge you if you do fall and that everyone accepts who you are?” “Yes.” “so than what are you really afraid of?” “I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I’m afraid I’m a failure. And I’m afraid to face the failure because of other’s perceptions of me.”

The weekend made me really wonder about things. I admit that I am afraid of people. I’m constantly judging what I say and if people are going to like me or question me or if I’m being a total jerk or not. It’s just seems to be a part of me in some sense. Is that what I’m really afraid of? Sure. I’m afraid of people. I don’t want to answer questions; I don’t want to talk with people because I’m afraid I might say something stupid, or “inappropriate” or hurtful or conceited. A lot of times, I think I come across really cocky, smart assed, and ignorant. It’s something I need to get rid of, but I don’t know how to do it. I wish I could just lay it down and never pick it up again. It hurts.

What happens when we begin to open ourselves up to the people around us? It feels uncomfortable, and it also feels freeing at some point. There’s a part of me that brings up the question of integrity. Are there any dangers to letting ourselves be seen by everyone else? What are the risks involved? Is there a limit to where we should go and not go?
I think in all, I’ll remember the words of Paul when he said “we have to become comfortable with letting ourselves been seen.” When we become vulnerable, we let others see us for who we really are. I’m tired of painting a fake face. I’m tired of screwing with people just to get away from them. I’m tired of running away. I want to feel genuine love. I want people to accept love from me. I want to feel the way I am. That sense of vulnerability brings all those things to the surface and lets us question, cry, wonder, scream, and generally live life. I think that’s how we are meant to live. Dependence, trust, fear, questions, depression, anxiety, and pain are all things that we live in. To deny them would be a lie. To live in them would be truth, and to overcome them would be victory.

peace and love to you,
jeremy

this is my life...the photo blog

this is the continuation of my first life story blog. I've decided to post photos of my birth and the tragic times in the hospital. you can read the first blog to get and idea if you haven't read that yet. it's called "this is my life." i was born, or arrived rather, on April 29th, 1986. 5 months early. i was originally due the 2nd week of August.




these are the fingers of my mother, and that is my hand, just days after i arrived.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy3.jpg


some have said this is looks like someone weeping over a loved one's casket...i can imagine it kind of looks like that, but certainly don't want it to resemble that. that is my mom.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy5.jpg


this is the incubator i was placed in in the intensive care unit at Kaiser hospital in Portland. i was in an incubator for about a month i think, not too sure.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy6.jpg


this is my dad holding me. i can't imagine what is going through his head at that moment. you can almost see it in his eyes.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/Dadholdingme.jpg


this is me after two weeks. my eyes had finally opened.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy1.jpg


i don't know who wrote this out, but i think it's pretty cool. those hand prints you see are mine. you should be able to read what the note says...Father's Day 1986.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremynote.jpg


this was the first time i wore actual clothes. they were specialy made premie clothes.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/jeremy2.jpg


this is from the day i was finally able to leave the hospital, September 15, 1986. i had spent a total of 5 months in the hospital. 1 week later i went back to the hospital, suffering from pneumonia.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/BabycardSept.15.jpg


this is me with my mom after i had finally made it home for good.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/Momholdingme.jpg


i wonder what i'm looking at? does this look like me?
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/167.jpg


look, i am smiling! :)
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/melookinguhh.jpg


this is me with my grandmother and brother. i actually look healthy.
LINK: http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/bigtakeshi/166.jpg

just a little slower than most....this is my life story, part 3

just a little slower than most…this is my life part story part iii.

This is the third installment of my life story, and quite possibly the one that is most current and relevant to my current situation.

All my life I’ve been slow. It has to do with being born pre-mature and almost dying. My brain and body developed the second half of it’s growth period outside of the womb and that of course caused potential problems for my cognitive and physical development. I didn’t develop at a normal pace because while other newborns while busy learning how to crawl and breast feed, I was in an Intensive Care Unit at the hospital, only weighing a few pounds (I weighed 12 pounds at 1 ½ years old!) and fighting to survive.

Now, growing up it was always that way. I didn’t go to pre-school until I was five years old. I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until I was about 8 or so. I didn’t know how to add or subtract until 2nd grade. I didn’t learn to read until I was 10 years old. I didn’t develop clear, legible handwriting until I was 12 or 13. And, Lord knows what else I achieved later than you’re average child. Because of my Muscular Dystrophy, I never took a liking to playing sports or much other physical activity (I apparently developed a love for music and the arts instead, I guess). Over the years of course, I learned to compensate and eventually ended up quite normal. My body and mind did develop, but differently. I believe my brain saw the weaknesses it possessed and compensated for the disabled parts. I grew with learning disabilities and even to this day have some limitations in my learning. You may notice that I may not respond or react to information or understand some things as clearly as other people. Here’s the answer. I’ll never know what it’s like to live a normal life because I was dealt a different hand. I truly am, like they say in Forrest Gump “just a little slower than most.”

For the past 4 years I’ve had a lot of trouble learning to drive a vehicle safely and effectively, and it‘s due to my disabilities. I’ve had to renew my driver’s permit numerous times! It’s been a real pain being in my 20s and not having my driver’s license! I’ve had people rag on me saying I was a lazy, ignorant moron because I can’t drive at 21. It’s been a stumbling block in my life because it’s severely limited my independence as a person. Having to be dependent on others for my need of transportation can really destroy one’s self esteem. In today’s culture, something as simple as a driver’s license can be quite debilitating. After years of struggling, I believe I finally have found some hope.

After a grueling two year waiting list, I was finally able to attend the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific on Oahu (the Island that has Honolulu and Waikiki beach, not where I live) to have my driving problems assessed by a professional occupational therapist. The response was this...


At the end of it all, the professional consensus was: (and I agree with it), I totally have the ability and potential to eventually drive, but right now, I do not have the capability to drive (and hence, get my driver's license) due my current conditions. The issue isn't with my muscular problems or my auditory response, but with my visual perception. The assessment revealed that my right side line of sight is not potentially functioning properly. What that essentially means is, when driving, I'm not aware for the most part of the area around my right hand side. After discussion, that conclusion makes a lot of sense! The exact report states “The client’s ability to process visual information required to react is delayed, causing poor timing…”

why?

The most accurate conclusion discovered was this: because I did not develop normally, I probably didn't develop the hand-eye coordination naturally that occurs with most people. My reaction to random, un-controlled actions is delayed and needs work. The bigger reason is because when i was born, my body was positioned on the left hand side because that‘s the direction that the oxygen ventilator was located on. While the doctor's tried to turn it over (my head), i would still look and turn my head to the left. At that early stage in development, it’s no surprise that my right line of sight became hindered, because the left side is what the brain knew as normal, so anything different wouldn‘t work for it, and it would hence force the left eye to work harder. Essentially, since i learned to do things a bit slower and at an older age than most people, it's no surprise to me that driving would be any different.

I have of course grown up and compensated problems i had in the past. That can happen with learning to drive, it's just going to take some time. At this point, I probably won't get my drivers license until I'm about 23 or 24, maybe 25 (more than likely after i graduate from college!).

The rehab therapist told me to work on my right side of my peripheral vision, and to force that eye to work and force my hand-eye coordination to develop for the following year at school, and then possibly return for a further assessment next year. They suggested things like Ping-pong (yes, I was told to play ping pong as treatment!) or even video games. (the idea of playing a Wii was even thrown out there, because you have to respond to random action!) They said I should sit on the left hand side of the class so I have to force myself to look to the right when a professor is lecturing. Anything I can do to force my entire vision field to open up and become WHOLE!

Is it a bummer that I can't get my license right now? Of course. Does it suck that I have to return to Hawaii every year and renew my permit? YEAH! But that's what i have to do. And I'd much rather be safe and comfortable driving than dead at 21 years old! I’ve done some research on people who were born premature and there driving abilities, and most of them have died in car accidents because they were not fully aware of their surroundings.

So, that's my deal, and I'll accept it and deal with it. I'll try to live my life to the best that God is and love others with it. That's all I can do. Getting my license, in my situation is a MAJOR issue, unfortunately! It sucks, yes, but that's just the way it is.

While I certainly do accept the conclusion given by the professionals, it throws my academic and future career plans into shambles. Not being able to drive at 21 years of age is a serious issue. Originally, I had planned to get my license over the summer and then eventually move off campus possibly in the fall of 2008. Eventually, I’d continue school on my own and move completely out of my home here in Hawaii. That was my plan, which sounds pretty normal right? But now, this assessment has forced me to have to rethink my future. I can’t stay in Oregon over the summers (because I have to fly to Hawaii to renew my driver’s permit), and I can’t drive in Oregon, which I had planned to do in the future! Most of all, this really throws off my future as it relates to my personal life. I do not want to end up being a dependent husband to my future wife! I can just imagine, at say 26 or 27 being like “Dear, I need to go to this office meeting..” “I need to go get this…” “I have an appointment here…CAN YOU DRIVE ME THERE?” That’s not what I envisioned at all and it makes me essentially dependent on someone else. I do not want to be that much of a hindrance to my girlfriend and wife. This is causing me to rethink my future plans in a major way, and essentially my life rests on it.

Understand that I am in no means using this as a means for me to get A LOT of free rides to places when we’re in school! There’s a good chance the state of Hawaii Department of Vocational Rehabilitation will pay for me to have a lifetime TRI-MET pass because I will not be able to transport myself places in Portland.

Why am I letting you all know this? Because this is a major issue in my life, and I feel that letting you wonderful people at Multnomah into my world is something I need to do in order to allow myself to be truly honest with who I am, and who God has made me to be.

raw, real, and authentic. this is my life part 2

6/16/07
There are many things in my life in which I haven’t necessarily understood or confronted. This is an attempt to be honest and real with you. This is what my conscience screams as I am on this journey called life.

I am revealing these things because I want to model true humility and Christ like character. I am bearing my soul for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

Emotional insecurity has been a demon in my life for years now. YES! YOU READ THAT RIGHT! I AM AN EMOTIONALLY INSECURE PERSON. This essentially developed out of childhood experiences. Let me explain briefly.

Because I was hospitalized and so sickly as a young child, my cognitive development did follow a natural pattern. A lot of the experiences a child has when this person is young I didn’t really have. You remember that awkward shyness you experienced as a child? Well for me, that never really left me. Instead of me growing out of it, it grew into me. As a young boy I was a chronically disabled, sickly kid, and so I had to go see A LOT of doctors. And, because my situation was so severe, even at older age like 5 or 6 years, I was not able to talk about my problems because I didn’t understand them. I just knew they were there and I couldn’t really explain them. This happened quite frequently and, naturally, I developed a dependence on my parents speaking in my place. The result? A shy, socially awkward, extremely QUIET person. I did not develop a lot of early childhood trait’s the same way kids do. I didn’t gain much speech assertiveness as other children do, but gained a strong sense of social awkwardness when engaging in conversation. Even the simple task of just saying “Hi” was difficult for me. For some reason my mind registered such social aspects as embarrassing and stupid, and I’m still trying to figure out why. I’m sure a lot of y’all have seen a lot it go down. I’m just not very normal sometimes. Some of the stuff I’ve said to people…embarrassing, inappropriate, awkward, and stupid!

As most you know, I was a social outcast in school (and even at church sometimes!) as a kid. I had no real friends and was teased a lot. From the intense emotional and verbal abuse I endured from the people around me at school, I developed a hatred of myself and my insecurities as a child began to be embedded into the latter part of my life.

For years, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, social speech assertiveness, self-image and esteem issues, self injury, social identity, and serious issues of addiction. And I still struggle with most of these issues today. I am a broken and bleeding person.

It has really only been in the last few months that I’ve finally realized that I say and do a lot of things just to get a reaction out of people. One reason is that I’ve always thought that I had to win people’s respect, love, and attention. I’m going to be honest with y’all and say that I’m a silent liar! Sometimes I’ll say that I did something simply out of the charity and goodness of my heart, when in reality I’m masking the fact that I really did it just because I wanted to see how someone would react. It’s me trying to “improve” myself because I have this fear that I’m not good enough. A wrong impression? Of course!

For the most part, this idea really rings true in my life (in my current life as well) with women. Why with women? For years I perceived a message that said that I was unattractive (physically, mentally, and spiritually). I’ve been told (literally in some cases) that I’m socially unattractive and do not deserve to be with a woman. Such an impression left a large scar in my life, and the wounds are steal healing.

In the past months, being at Multnomah has taught me to think for myself and to understand that I am the person God created to me to be. I have to reassure myself of that every day of my life.

While a lot of people may ask the question “why are you ‘dwelling’ on these things? You should forget all these past issues and move on with your life.” While such an idea sounds like a good philosophy, I find it to be problematic on some counts. A wise and knowledgeable person once said this to me:

“We can’t bury our feelings and emotions. We have to face our issues and be real with them. In order to understand our problems we must honest acknowledge that we have problems and how we feel about them. Acknowledge the fact that things hurt us and that they are real, genuine thought and emotions. We have to bring them to the surface and really ‘lay’ in the moment, acknowledging that something hurts and taking the time to grieve with the pain. Accepting Christ’s love and hope of the gospel does not mean we act like nothing ever happened to us. The hope of Christ comes in knowing we successfully deal with issues and be comfortable in having them and admitting them.” This has to be the best advice I have been given in a long time!

I remember about a week or so before classes ended, I was hanging out with my friend Rebecca. She had just finished reading my blog about my life story and my life trauma growing up. I asked her what she thought of it and what I was not prepared for was her response. “Even if I didn’t all of that stuff about you, I still would like you anyway…” At that moment, I think something immensely combustible went off inside of me. Here is a great friend, and a woman, who just literally said that she did not care about my past issues and problems, she was my friend because of the me that she already knew, and all the extra baggage didn’t matter. Now, it’s not that people haven’t said that to me before, but Rebecca was the first person to ever say it and literally have no bias or care about my past issues at all! All the social quirks and medical impediments didn’t matter to her. She liked me. The real me. The me that’s my spirit.

With most of my friendships (this applies to home, because I haven‘t known Multnomah people very long), I’ve had some sort of issue with them concerning issues I currently have or have dealt with in the past. It’s people like Rebecca who have helped me break through my insecurities and understand who I am. You people at Multnomah are that kind of people! Genuine, real, authentic, and “un-polished.”

I pray almost daily that God would continue to work on my heart and help to break out of this horrible lie I’ve been living with for so long.

To you wonderful people at Multnomah, I have a favor to ask. I want you people to push me! Stretch me outside of my parameters and make me think outside this box I’ve created for myself. Could you remind me that I’m loved and accepted just the way I am and that we all are the imago dei that He intended?

Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. We are all bleeding individuals, broken, and in need of love and forgiveness. It is something we are desperate for, and no one is an exception. It’s the message Jesus preached and the message that got him murdered. At the core of my heart is a passion to see the world change and bring heaven to earth. However, in order to change the world, I must first change myself. I am broken, but I am forgiven. The world lied to me and created a person which is not the true me, but a reflection of what the world wants to be. i am here to reflect christ, and not the world. this is the beginning of God change my life and to help me better myself, for his kindgom and for His Glory.

Peace and love to all,
jeremy

do you love me?

for the past few months, i've really brought into question my relationship with my family, my parents in particular. I'm not the first guy to verbally express emotion or feelings, because i grew up a shy, quiet, socially awkward individual. it's only been recently that i've been able to crack my shell of social awardness and really experience life. i can honestly say that in my 21 years on this earth, i have never once heard my father verbally say "i love you" and actually mean it sincerely. i'm actually ok with it, because i've grown used to it i guess.

this past sunday things seemed to be different in a way i was not expecting, and am really still processing. this past sunday my pastor preached a sermon on what makes strong men. At the end of his message, the pastor ask the congregation to go and find a man and lay hands on him as he prayed for the men of our church and for God's provision in thier life. To my surprise, not expecting it at all, my father stood up and came and sat down next to me and put his arm around me as we prayed together. He didn't saying anything after the prayer was over, but in that moment, i experienced God more than i have in the passed year. i felt the love that God had bestowed on my family and in that moment, all of the disagreements and issues surrounding my families life at that moment seemed to dissapear, because at that moment it was only God speaking directly to me.

What my father felt in that moment I'm not sure. Whether he did it because he meant it or because he simply was asked to by our pastor, i'm not sure. all i know is that God is living and active in the most surprising, yet profound areas of life. i think in that moment, my dad said "i love you." While it may not have been your usual verbal affirmation, it was still a clear as always to anyone who saw us in that moment.

peace and love tot all,
jeremy